Day 2 ❀ Happier ❀

[colorful_world]

Title: Happier
Prompt-#: 35
For: Anonymous
Pairing: Onkey with past Jongyu ft. Bestfriends!Minkey
Author: Sweetmoon@aff ; priiserpa @twitter
Word count: 13.197 words
Rating: 16+
Warnings: This story contains: sexual harassment, irresponsible consumption of alcohol, some reflections on life and death that may be associated with some religions even if it was not my intention at all (PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER!).
Summary: The truth is: Kim Jonghyun can't remember much of when he was alive but he does remember Jinki's smile. But right now, Jinki don't smile anymore, so before Jonghyun can continue with his afterlife he wants to make Jinki smile again, and the best way he can do it it`s helping Kim Kibum with his cute crush Jinki. Maybe he should be jealous, but how can he when Kibum seems like the perfect fit for his ex-boyfriend?

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DISCLAIMER: OK, this is IMPORTANT so read this before you read the story.

As I believe everyone knows by now, SHINee’s leader Onew was involved in a scandal that I really don’t want to get into any details here, since I believe that if you’re reading this fanfic, you already know. Because of that scandal, I feel the need to say some things:

1. This plot has Onew somehow related in situations that involve irresponsible consumption of alcohol. It’s not Onew drinking, but it’s a pretty present subject in the story.
2. If you read the warning you can see the “sexual harassment” tag, and I feel the need to say: this sexual harassment situation IS NOT related to Onew in the story. In any case any mention of situations involving sexual harassment is not related to Onew in this fanfic.

It was really hard for me to finish this story with this plot and all of this happening. It was very emotional for me, not in a good way, but I did my best to finish this in the best way possible because I was thinking about the person who wrote the prompt. I don’t know if this person is still in the fandom, I don’t if this person will read this, but I felt like I needed to finish this in respect to this person and in respect to Colorful World fic fest. They work hard to do an amazing fic fest for us and I didn’t want to drop this plot and make this fic fest 1 fic less successful. With all of this I want to say: I’m sorry that this is not my best work. I still hope you enjoy reading it!

(ps; yes, I’m still in the fandom).

And last, but not least, English is not my first language, so I bet this story has a bunch of grammar flaws and I’m really sorry. I did my best but this is my second time writing in English, so I’m still learning.
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Happier

I can barely remember some important things about before. Like, I don’t remember what color my hair was in the last minutes, it wasn’t black like it is now. Or what I’ve felt when the before ended. We grew up with the idea that we can’t actually see when time passes, we go on living in a way that we’re always in the present, every second is past and we’re never in the future, but now I feel like I’m in both. Past and future. I don’t have a present, not anymore. I’m floating. I’m lost but at the same time I know what I have to do. I have to keep going. That’s the thing: I don’t remember much, as I already said, but I remember enough.

I remember this smile. The biggest one. It was so bright that the sun was jealous. It was so big, that his eyes became small in his face so the smile could spread more. It’s only memories because I can’t see it anymore. I only see flat lips, pressed in a thin line on his beautiful face. That’s a problem for me. That’s what is keeping me here, even if I’m not right here. I wish I’ve had someone to explain to me what I have to do so I’m not here anymore, so I don’t have to see those lips pressed in a flat line knowing it’s my fault. Maybe I’m selfish. Am I still capable of being selfish? Probably, seeing that I’m still capable of feeling love.

Love for that beautiful, round face, those pretty little eyes and those lips, even when they’re pressed into a thin, flat line. Love for that amazing voice that used to be the soundtrack of my life. To me, he is the meaning of love. And even if I don’t remember much, I’ll always remember this. And that’s why I stopped my task of following him around to listen every time someone says his name. I’m trying to help, ok? It’s not that easy.

And that’s how I’ve found him, Kim Kibum. He was pretty mad at the time, I guess. He looked really mad.

“You need to stop doing this, Choi Minho! We’ll NOT interview Lee Jinki” Kibum said “Stop trying to make this happen, it’s not gonna happen.”

“I fail to see why you’re so against this,” His friend, Choi Minho, said, watching his friend closely. He had a smirk on his lips while his eyes had gone wide in false shock, like this reaction was so surprising to him. “I know you have this crush going on.” Kibum whispered a “hey” and his face turned into a bright red, but Minho didn’t stop. “But that never was a problem before, you know? You’re more professional than that usually.”

I knew Choi Minho, I had vague memories of him now, but he was a nice friend. He used to record some of Jinki’s videos, as he was good with cameras.

“It’s just… I don’t know. I don’t feel that we need this, you know? The blog is okay without this interview.”

Minho rolled his eyes. It was a fun interaction to watch, actually. They looked like pretty good friends, and Kibum liked Jinki’s music, so that already made him a good person in my point of view.

“I don’t think so, you know, we don’t have anything big to post next Monday.”

Kibum seemed to think a little, and then took his bag, pulling a paper out of it. It was a flyer for Taemin’s party on Friday. Lee Taemin was one of the campus hotties, just like Jinki was. The boy was a dance major and had nailed his first big breakthrough right after the first semester, when he had been a background dancer for Beyoncé on her tour, and now everyone knew the boy. I remember being close friends with Taemin, he was a good kid, and even the whole Beyoncé thing had never made him a jerk.

“What do you want us to do? Go the party with a camera? You know how those parties are: just drunk people having drunk sex and doing drugs.”

“We could talk about all the sexual harassment that usually happens on those parties.” Kibum said.

This was pretty obvious, and I think that they already did something like that. I saw Jinki reading the blog. The campus’ blog was actually a big deal here, people liked to read everything that was happening and the gossip made the world spin in college. I may never have seen Kim Kibum up close before this moment, but I remember him from before. When I was in the present, his face was in all of the videos of the campus’ vlog, telling us important news or doing interviews.

“We could, but you already did this. 3 months ago.”

Yeah, figured. Kibum’s reaction to this is quite priceless, with his eyes going wide and his cheeks burning even more. It's interesting. His skin looks really smooth, it makes me kind of sad that I can’t touch him and feel it in my own hands.

“We could do an interview with that guy, the hottie from medicine, you know?” Kibum forced a smile “About the pros and cons of having this lifestyle.”

“You tried this once, and you guys didn’t even start the interview before you slapped him across the face.” Minho sounded really tired now, all the trace of amusement gone from his face, and now he only looked really exasperated.

“He had his hands on my tights!” Kibum complained rolling his eyes “I told him to stop several times and then he said that his “amazing cock” would do an ‘amazing job’ on making me happier and calmer.” He said, doing air quotes with an angry expression. “I didn’t even know he was bi, and I don’t want to see him ever again.”

“You’re contradicting yourself, Bummie.” Minho said, “This is all because you can’t sit with Jinki for an hour, do an interview about how amazing his voice is and how he has a YouTube channel with almost 2 million subscribers where he does amazing covers? This is easy, you’re good at this.”

Kibum shook his head, he looked a little insecure. It was a change to see him like this, watching the videos he always had this really confident vibe, as if he was 100% sure of what he was doing, and it’s… somehow charming seeing that he has insecurities just like the rest of us.

“It’s different, I’ve never talked with Jinki before,” he said, looking at the party-flyer like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“And what?” Minho looked at him for a moment and then he was up in seconds, like everything had just started to make sense. “Are you afraid that Jinki is going to be an asshole like that medicine guy?” Kibum blushed again, his eyes fixed on the pamphlet. “Jinki is not like that, you have nothing to worry about, really.”

“I like this, you know? Just having this crush and watching his videos and listening to his amazing voice and that’s it, I don’t want this to be crashed because he’s an asshole.”

Jinki wasn’t an asshole.

“But he isn’t. I know him, you know that, I’ve done some videos for him several times now, he is actually really professional and a really sweet guy.”

Yes! I could high five Minho right now. Kibum took a deep breath and turned to see the board on the wall. It showed all the interviews that they were scheduled to do, and so he wrote down Jinki’s name with a marker.

“Don’t make me regret this.” Kibum said, pointing the marker at his friend.

“Don’t worry, Jinki hyung is an amazing guy.” He took the pamphlet. “Are you going by the way?”

Kibum shook his head, forcing a smile.

“I don’t think so.”

“You never go to things like this.” Minho said, sounding frustrated. “You need to have some fun, you know?”

“Well, I don’t drink, and, just like you said, those parties are just about drunk people having drunk sex and doing drugs. I am not doing any of that. And I do have fun, mister, I watch Netflix and read books, and go to theatres and movies and all of that is really fun and I enjoy that way more than being drunk on someone’s party, thank you.”

“That’s what you say, but one night at this party and I could make you and Jinki really cozy.”

“Don’t you dare, Minho!”

“What?”

“Leave it.”

But you see, Minho did had a great idea: I need Jinki to start smiling so I can follow my path knowing that he is alright and that the world has the most powerful source of energy back. And Kibum seems nice - and I do believe in Minho’s taste with friends- and Kibum has a crush on Jinki. It’s like doing simple math. 2+2. Nothing can go wrong with this.

OJK

There's the thing: Kibum's life is pretty boring. I feel like he thinks he's having fun, but he really has fun for only 10% of his time. That, considering that I'm not counting the time he wastes sleeping like living people do. I have to say, that it was a change of energy starting to follow Kibum around instead of Jinki, even if I still spend plenty of time watching Jinki, but the thing is: the pain. I used to feel pain watching Jinki crying over me. It’s been two years now, and I feel like I’m here for too long and his tears shouldn’t fall anymore. When I follow Kibum, I don’t feel the pain, I feel excitement. I try to not question my feelings all that much. I don’t know if what I feel are actual feelings or just mirrored emotions of what I used to feel before. The thing is: Kibum is sensitive. I can feel his energy surrounding me. I can get closer to him than I did with Jinki. I can interact more with him, with his things, or while he was around than when I was following Jinki.

My first mission was to try make Kibum go to Taemin’s party. It was hard, considering that I can only interact with some objects and that no one can see or hear me (not even Kibum with his sensitivity). I’ve tried to move things around a little bit, and by that I mean: that pamphlet showed up in Kibum’s bag several times in a couple of hours. He was kind of mad, he had screamed at Minho a bit, but yeah, still no party. So I started trying to put the pamphlet on every single wall in every place that Kibum goes, including his bedroom. Once again, he screamed at Minho. After that I had to stop a little and think, because I really didn’t want Kibum to actually get mad at Minho. So, I had to stop one night to think about my new approach. I wanted Kibum to meet Jinki before the interview, since Kibum would be professional and all, and so would Jinki, and they probably wouldn’t talk about anything personal. The interview was next Monday. The party was Saturday. The party was the easiest way to make them meet.

Or not. Kibum is not a party person, so it probably would be easier to try to make them bump into each other in college, but Kibum is shy, so he wouldn’t start a conversation at all. Jinki is not looking to meet anyone new as well.

That’s it. Kibum is shy. And, for what I saw in the last two days following him, he doesn’t like to talk to people. When Kibum is working, he is an amazing journalist, and it’s almost like his personality changes completely. But aside from that, he is quite shy and only talks with his friends. Most of the time, Minho. He has a small group of friends and seems happy with those.

What I need is to try to make someone, besides Minho, invite Kibum to the party. If he was invited by someone that he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to say no, he would go. The best person probably was Taemin, since it’s his party, but I don’t know if he and Kibum know each other. I left Kibum’s dorm to go look around. I used to know Taemin, but I don’t remember where his dorm was, so I went to the practice room to see if he is there.

He is, although that can’t be brushed off as simple luck, he is always there, practicing. And he is not alone, his best friend Jongin is there, together with Minho and Jinki. Now that’s luck. They are all there, sitting around while eating.

“So, it’s okay for us to interview you on Monday?” Minho asks Jinki with a small smile. I can tell that he is probably thinking about Kibum’s crush now.

“I don’t know, it would be a nice way to talk about my work on YouTube, but I’m not so good with cameras when I’m not singing. I rarely even talk on my own channel,” Jinki said, sounding quite nervous. Jinki could be just as shy as he was extroverted when he needed to. He wasn’t as shy as Kibum, but enough to make my life difficult.

“Kibum is nice,” Taemin said, laying down on Jongin’s lap. Jongin was playing with his phone, not even hearing their hyungs talking. “He is good on making you feel like the cameras don’t exist. He got an interview with me… Actually, he interviewed me twice.”

“Yeah, he’s really good with interviews, which is crazy ‘cause in real life he is just so unbelievably shy...” Minho said.

Minho also had his cellphone in hand. Now: they’re already talking about Kibum, and what I needed now was to be smart. I returned as fast as I could to Kibum’s dorm; he was sleeping with his book opened beside him on his bed. I couldn’t hide my own smile and took the books away from him. He studied a lot. I looked at him, he seemed in peace while sleeping. His face was really beautiful. He had his own beauty, you know? Like no one in the world could have a face so pretty, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be that pretty. His beauty was beyond physical, was something I couldn’t quite pin point. He had this glow and no one could ever compare. Maybe Jinki. They would make an amazing good-looking couple. I tried to touch him, and my hand didn’t felt anything. I missed that from before.

The touches. Feeling other people’s skin against my own. Feeling my own skin. Being surrounded by that warmth only found in someone else’s arms. If I knew that would happen so soon I would have hugged more before. I used to say that I didn’t like hugs. Well, now I miss them.

Trying to come back to focus, I took Kibum’s cellphone and typed really fast to Minho: What do you think about doing a little video with Taemin on Friday to put on the blog’s Instagram and Facebook about his party? He could invite people to come. You think he would like that?

I reviewed the message fast: it seemed like Kibum’s typing. When he was talking about work, he usually writes everything correctly, no use of slang or anything like that, just like the nerd he was. Send. Well, next I placed the phone down next to the books, so he would think that he did that right before sleeping and that he forgot about it. Now, I returned to the practice room and Minho and Jinki are gone. Taemin and Jongin are talking alone. Back to the room I look at Kibum’s phone again:

Minho:
Good idea.

At least I know that Minho will talk with Taemin the next time he sees him. Before I lost myself looking at Kibum’s face again, just because I’m bored, I set an alarm on Kibum’s phone to remind him about the party. Yeah, he would probably scream at Minho because of that.

OJK

Friday came fast after that, or it just felt like that to me. Time is always fast now, since I’m always lost between past and future. Something in my mind is shining, like I should know better than to look at Kibum so much while he is reading, but he is fascinating. Not only because he is alive, which used to be an easy definition for me, but now it’s kinda blurry and I barely knew what that meant anymore or even how that used to feel. Being alive. It’s a foreign sensation now. But also, I like watching him because he has this amazing face, with such a beautiful everything; his nose just fits so perfectly on his face, and I look around and see: that’s not so common. Noses are usually too small or too big or too crooked, but not his. Even his nose is perfect. His eyelashes touch his skin when he closes his eyes, ‘cause they’re so long and black. And even more: he used to make these little sounds, like giggles, while reading books, like he was oh so pleased about the turn the story was making. That amused me so much. Watching him was like watching an endless movie. And I think that my alive self-used to like movies. I feel like I wasted days only looking at him.

“I can’t really remember that, the text...” Kibum said easily to Minho, watching him set up the camera. “And I don’t feel that we’re doing social media right if you are going to record this with a Cannon t6i. Weren’t we supposed to do it with cellphones?”

“The camera has a better sound and image quality so we can upload this video later on the blog and YouTube.” Minho said, completely ignoring the first statement, since he was already tired of listening to Kibum complaining about not remembering sending the text.

“I think social media is all about bad quality videos," Kibum actually laughed at Minho’s angry expression. “I’m kidding, no need to get all ‘oh so you need to learn about social media’ now”.

“Er, hello?” They both turned to see Taemin entering the studio with a small smile. Behind him, cause I’m really lucky, was Jinki with a conflicted expression. It was cute, really, since Kibum obviously wasn't expecting him and almost stepped into a wire making Minho pull him close. Everyone would think that Minho was being an amazing friend, taking care so Kibum wouldn't fall and hurt himself, but I knew better: that was the camera wire and if Kibum dropped the whole thing it would turn out very expensive to get a new one.

“Hey guys! Jinki hyung, wasn’t expecting you here” Minho said with an easy smile, leaving Kibum to go and hug his friends. Kibum seemed completely lost. He was looking at the scene in front of him with a blank expression, even though his cheeks were colored pink now. “So, you guys know Kibum, right?” Choi asked friendly, pulling his friend close to them now.

“I do” Taemin said with a bright smile “you interviewed me twice already, right? How are you?”

‘YES” Kibum said and then took a deep breath “Yes, I’ve interviewed you before. I’m fine, it’s nice to see you. “

“I don’t know you” Jinki said “I’m here because Taeminnie said that if I saw you do the video with him, I’d feel more comfortable about the interview on Monday.” After a couple of seconds of silence, Jinki added with wide opened eyes “It’s not that I don’t like your work! It’s just that… I… Oh god, I’m really camera-shy”.

Kibum seems quite speechless for a minute, and then, out of the blue, he smiles a little, a bit sassy - unusual near people he doesn’t know well - and says:

“Well, that’s funny, ‘cause you have a YouTube channel with 2 million subscribers”.

Minho gasped for air, and Taemin started to laugh loudly. Jinki blushed a little, but something in his eyes was almost burning: he liked that. The sass. The smirk. A shadow of a smile threatened to appear on his face. That was what I wanted. Kibum seemed to realize what happened fast and then his face was burning red.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry! That was so unprofessional. I’m usually not like this”.

“When interviewing someone, he really isn’t” Minho said with a teasing smile “He’s like this only with his close friends.”

Taemin was laughing so hard that I started to worry that he would come to keep me some company, but Minho gave him a glass with water and I saw Jinki looking at Kibum now.

“Sorry” he said “Singing is different. When I sing I forget the cameras, you know? It’s different than sitting there answering questions”.

Kibum nodded a little, still blushing, and his voice was a bit shaky now.

“I know how it feels. I’m pretty shy most of the time, but I still work as a TV journalist. I was only teasing, and I understand that I was actually a bad-“

“No, it was pretty funny” Jinki said, interrupting him with a calming smile. I missed that. This was almost genuine. Jinki had all these fake smiles that he used to give everyone, but they were all just a cheap replacement to his real smiles. I think all his friends noticed the plastic, fake smiles, but no one says anything. I believe they’re trying to respect his feelings, and letting him have that moment of grief the way he needs to. But it had been enough time now, they should try to make him happier.

“I know how it is to by a shy person, but I can promise you to do my very best to make you comfortable during the interview” Kibum said, looking directly at Jinki with a confident expression.

“I don’t see how I can say no to that” Jinki struggled a little. He didn’t smile. But I could see in his eyes that he wanted to.

“So, can we record the video?” Taemin said, still trying to recompose himself.

“Are you fine, Tae?” Jinki asked.

“I think I’ll live. Kibum hyung, you’re amazing, this sense of humor is just perfect. I hope you’ll come to the party tomorrow, so we can all laugh at Jinki hyung’s face together! It would be so much fun”.

Kibum looked around, seeming kinda lost, and then his eyes focused on Minho, who had this knowing smile, but said nothing.

“I-er, I don’t know. Sometimes we have so much work here, that we can’t really go to parties like that, right, Minho?” Kibum said looking at his friend with wide eyes and a silent request.

“Sometimes we do have work on Saturdays,” Kibum made a sound of relief but then Minho continued “but I don’t think it’s the case tomorrow. I’m pretty sure we’re free”.

Kibum looked at him with betrayed eyes. I wanted to high five Minho, but since I couldn’t, I just sent him a kiss that I knew he couldn’t see.

“I don’t think I’m a good person to go to a party” Kibum said, sounding nervous “I’m pretty boring”.

“Well, it’s your choice” Taemin said, he didn’t sound offended at all “I would be really glad to see you there! Since I’m inviting you personally and all. I know that many people will come to the party which I don’t even know, so it would be amazing to have some people there to which I am close to.”

“And with a good sense of humor” Jinki added, looking at Kibum expectantly “I hope you change your mind”.

And, just like this, I knew that Kibum was going to the party.

OJK

My work is to try to make Kibum and Jinki interact at the party with each other. It’s not easy since Kibum will probably be running from him as much as he can after he sees him even once. And Jinki will be glued to Taemin’s side all the time. I need to have a plan of attack. Or so I thought, but the fact is: I couldn’t plan anything if I can’t touch anyone. My plan of attack could be only one: do my best to not let this chance slip. I needed them to talk. I had this feeling in my gut that it was the right thing to do. All that about being past and future: since I saw Kibum I knew that he would be good to Jinki. I can’t see scenes, or moments, or know exactly how it will happen, but I know that, if it happens, it will be perfect.

Kibum was standing next to a wall, with a cup of water, and he was looking miserable. He obviously doesn't like parties at all, and I feel bad for him right now. After about 5 minutes, Minho shows up next to him with a bright smile.

“Oh, hello! Why did you not call me?”

“I didn’t want to- you know” Kibum looks around, “be my usual boring self and ruin your party”.

Minho smiled at him. It was a beautiful thing to see actually, the way Minho’s eyes light up to his best friend.

“You could never ruin anything for me, Bummie” He offered his hand and waited until Kibum linked their hands together “you’re my best friend, I not gonna let you alone here.”

After that, Minho took Kibum to a room that were full of people. I could tell that Kibum was uncomfortable, but Minho never let him alone for a second, talking with everyone and introducing Kibum to everyone but never stopping too long at a group of people that Kibum didn’t know. And then they stopped next to a large group with Taemin in the center.

“KIBUM!” Taemin screamed, walking to him with a big smile “I’m so glad that you’ve come! Come here, sit down with us, we’re playing drinking games and having fun.”

Jinki was there, sitting right next to Taemin, with a fake smile. I could tell that he was that because, well, when you’re one of the most famous persons on campus everyone has expectations. To me, it wasn’t difficult to see that he was just a shadow of himself after everything that had happened to me. The guilt is real, but I do hope that Kibum is the person to bring him back to happiness.

Kibum sat there, not talking a lot, and accepting the soju bottle. I think it was kinda irresponsible to drink that much soju, but if I were there I wouldn’t be thinking that. They played games where veryone drank or was dared to do something, and Kibum, being the usual shy person that he is, started to drinking a lot so he didn’t have to do anything like take of his shirt or kiss someone, and slowly he was becoming terrible drunk.

I was worried, I have to say. Kibum was pretty out of himself after a couple of hours and I don’t think anyone noticed because he was just so quiet. I could see Minho giving his friend a look every once in a while, but at certain point he was sent to 7 Minutes in Heaven with some girl and never came back. Kibum was drunk as hell and suddenly he was getting up and made his way to the bathroom with slow, small steps. He was so drunk that standing was hard, I could tell. I needed to do something to help him. I was floating through the room, trying to find a cellphone so that I could sms Minho, or even find Minho, I don’t know. I saw Jinki there, and he wasn’t drunk, just a little high and he was currently carrying a very passed out and drunk Taemin to his bedroom.

I was back to Kibum in a couple of minutes, still trying to figure out how to help him, and I just saw what was going on. Kibum was pressed against the wall with a very tall guy talking to him with a smirk. Kibum didn’t seem happy, and I was freaking out. I had to something, but this bathroom was empty, and I couldn’t call anyone. Kibum was too drunk to push him hard enough, his reflexes were all off, and the guy was taking full advantage of that, leaning on him and kissing his neck.

“Please, I don’t want that” Kibum said, his voice so low and shaky. God, please help me. I need to freaking do something.

“You’re gorgeous, you know that, right? I always look at you across the campus and you’re just so beautiful I couldn’t help myself when I was told that you would come tonight. I knew I had to have my way with you.” The guy said, kissing Kibum’s neck and completely ignoring all of Kibum’s requests to stop. So now I have this moment of panic when I just go and try my hardest to push the guy away and pull Kibum out of that, even knowing that I can’t touch them, I’m just trying my best. And then, suddenly, I was looking at the guy and feeling his kisses down my neck.

“Please, leave Kibum alone” I heard Kibum’s voice say my words. Then I realized it: I was inside Kibum’s body. Something happened and I was here. You see, the division between your body and mind is kinda blurry. When you’re drunk it’s not only your mind that is drunk, all of your body is working slower. So even if now my sober mind was in that body, I still had difficulties to move, but at least I could think about things clearer than Kibum.

“Let me go, or I’ll scream” I said, pushing him. I could tell that my push was stronger than Kibum’s, and that made the guy look a little aware of his surrounding a bit, but then he laughed.

“No one is gonna hear you, baby. This is our moment”

And then I just kicked him in the balls, hard and fast, he was off me in a second and then I did my best to walk away as fast as I could since Kibum was so drunk. I was in corridor looking for some place to hide and then I saw it: Jinki closing the door of Taemin’s bedroom.

“JINKI” I screamed and he was looking at me immediately.

“Hey, Kibum, is everything fine?”

Shit. I was Kibum. I couldn’t just…you know, act like Jonghyun, I had to be Kibum. It was hard, for me, to see Jinki up close, looking directly at me like he did so many times while I was alive and dating him. Those small eyes always gave me goosebumps, but now was not the time for it. Now that the adrenaline was gone and Kibum was safe, I could actually feel. That warmth of being alive. Now that I was in his body and I could actually feel things, I noticed that what feel while being dead are not feelings. They’re ghost emotions. Only sadness little representation of what a living body could feel.

That’s why, when I saw Jinki after all this time, I felt like crying. I could feel all the blinding love and the suffocating happiness. And I mentally thanked Kibum’s drunk state, which means that his body had slow reactions and I had time to recompose myself.

“I am just so drunk” I said, trying my best to sound like Kibum “There was a guy there, and he was forcing himself on me and I- I just want to go home, but I can’t.”

And Kibum’s body just started to cry. Yeah, it was a stressful day, I could tell that his body was just so tired. Jinki smiled at me in a friendly way.

“I think Minho is passed out drunk on Yuri’s legs right now, so I really… I’m going home, if you want a ride, I can get you to your dorm, it’s that ok?”

“Yeah, thanks”

I could tell that Jinki was worried cause of all the crying, but he never was that good with dealing with feelings of someone that he didn’t know. He helped me walk to his car and then he made me sit in the back.

“If you wanna lay down a bit, you can, don’t worry about vomiting or anything, just do your thing, ok?”

I nodded slowly and then he was in the driving seat. Most of the drive was silent, I was lying in his car trying to think what I could do, now that I have Kibum’s body, I could make him flirt or something, but that was not like Kibum at all.

But also, Kibum was drunk, so drunk that he wouldn’t remember anything the other day, so I could just say whatever and let him deal with that tomorrow. I have to make a decision, cause’ this is the best way to start things between them: making sure that Jinki knows it’s a possibility.

“Hey, so” I said “thank you”

Jinki smiled and I could see through the rearview mirror.

“For what? Being a decent human being? You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“I feel that after everything that happened tonight yes, I do. You’re very kind.”

“Thank you, but really, it’s the least I could do. I couldn’t just leave you there like that, it’s not a very human thing to do, you know. I’m pretty mad that someone tried to take advantage of you being this drunk, but I’m glad that I found you fast enough.”

“God, stop doing this” I giggled and rolled until my eyes were looking at the ceiling and put my arm in front of them “stop being so nice with me, I’m trying to get over my crush on you, and you’re not helping.”

Jinki stopped the car in front of the dorm and then turned to see him.

“You have a crush on me?”

“Of course I have, how couldn’t I?” Kibum’s speech was slow and slurred, but I think that Jinki understood because he was blushing bright red.

“I can think of several reasons why you couldn’t, but since you do have a crush on me, why you’re trying to get over me?”

I took my arms of my eyes and looked directly at his.

“Well, I’m shy enough so this will never happen and I need to focus on things I can actually do so I don’t get my heart broken.”

Jinki was visibly taken aback by that. He didn’t answer right away, just opened his door, and walked over so he could help Kibum out of his car.

“You’re only saying that cause you’re drunk” he smiled at Kibum.

“Yes, I would never have had the courage to say all of this in a sober state, but the crush is real. Just look at me, Monday, at the interview. Really, look at me, and you’ll notice. I’m sorry” that I was crying again. But right now, I didn’t think it was just Kibum’s body, having Jinki so close was so powerful to me, and I couldn’t really deal with that so easily.

“Hey, sorry, hey” Jinki took my face in his hands and made me look at him “right now you’re pretty drunk and it had been a really packed night for you. Why don’t you go to sleep and we talk about all of this when you’re sober?”

“I think that’s good.”

“Yeah, need help to get to your door?”

“Yeah”.

I was lying in the bed that night, in Kibum’s body, and try to remember how it was to sleep. I was so confused, I didn’t know what was going to happen. Would I wake up in this body in the morning again? Or was this just a one-time thing? Could I always be in somebody's body when they’re drunk? I closed Kibum’s eyes and tried to sleep. In seconds I was floating again, and Kibum was sleeping quietly. I can’t say if I’m disappointed or not, but now I just watched him sleep, like I always did. My feelings were not important, I’m dead, but this guy…

He deserves the world and I’ll give it to him.

OJK

I watched Kibum wake up slowly. His eyes fluttering open a few minutes later. He looked around with a frown, like he couldn’t recognize his own room.

“Is someone there?” His voice was low and raspy “my head hurts but I don’t remember coming back to my room... and I remember some things that I said but I don’t remember saying them” He didn’t move, but his eyes scanned the room “I don’t like drinking for a reason, you know? If someone is there… I know what can happen when I drink.”

Suddenly, I was self-conscious, like he was talking directly to me. It's not like I need to hide, since he can't see me, but I try anyway, hiding behind a lamp because I'm stupid, I was never good at hide and seek.

“So I should thank you for dealing with the asshole yesterday, thank you, and for bringing me back to my room. If you ever want to show yourself to me and, you know, ask for help… I stopped drinking because I didn’t want to meet people like you anymore, cause’ it’s not like I can always help and that was making me sad, but if you’re already here, I can do my very best for you, ok?”

The knock on the door took him by surprise, and Kibum let out a small, painful moan and then walked slowly to the door, opening it to reveal a worried Minho there.

“Are you ok?” He asked, eyes focusing in the exposed parts of Kibum’s body.

“Yeah, my head hurts and I think someone was in my body yesterday”

“What?” His big eyes become even bigger and wider looking around the room now.

Taking a deep breath, Kibum pulled Minho inside the room and locked the door.

“I have a reason to not drink that much, you know? I just… I’ve seen things before and it only happens when I’m drunk, so... I stopped drinking. Please, before I say anything, promise that you’ll believe in me.”

Minho seemed to be pretty confused now, but he took a step closer to the boy and touched his arm in a silent agreement and then nodded.

“So, I am, what some people call, er... Sensitive, and I can’t see them, but I can feel them sometimes.”

“Them who, Bummie?” Minho asked in a small voice.

“Them, Minho, dead people.” He whispered.

Choi was so freaking scared that I almost felt bad for him, but right now I was so shocked that Kibum knew about all this that I just scooped closer to the bed.

“I’m not calling you crazy or anything, but are you sure?” Minho said, sounding nervous “It’s not like anyone has a clue that… Ghosts really exist. No one ever saw anything, and you know.”

“You don’t need anyone to tell you that God exists to believe in him” Kibum said with a easy smile “so I don’t need anyone to tell me to know that not everyone dies and really goes away. Sometimes they stay here, close to us, trying to say something to someone important that they left behind too soon” Kibum looked directly to where I was, but I don’t think he saw me.

But it seemed like he was actually seeing me.

“I’m sensitive, but I’m strong enough so they can’t just… get into my body without my permission, only when I’m drunk” Kibum said “that’s why I never drink. It’s not that… I don’t like them or fear them, it’s just that I can’t really help them most the time. And when they’re in my body I can feel them, you know? Even after days, even when I can’t remember what they said or did while in my body, I can remember all the feelings and when they ask something and I can’t do… I can feel their disappointment or sadness. It’s not an easy thing to feel, you know? So I stopped drinking, I was never my scene anyway, but there’s someone now… I can feel it. It’s feelings.”

Minho looked kind of lost between running away or just believe in Kibum. There was something in those big brown eyes, though, shining so much that almost blinded me. Love. Unconditional love. True friendship. I could see Minho deciding that Kibum really believed in this, even if he thinks that this was ridiculous, he’s gonna stick by his friend’s side. That alone made me regret that I never was that much of a friend to Minho. We used to know each other, we were close, but never something like best friends and now I feel like I’ve lost something precious.

“What do you feel? Do you remember anything?”

Kibum shook his head.

“I don’t remember anything, but I feel…. love. So much love that’s not mine. I’m used to feel sadness or rage, but not this time. It’s… It feels like love and compassion, and I can feel the focus: It has a plan and it wants to make it happen and, somehow, it needs me. It’s beautiful. I wish I knew more, because for the first time I feel like I can actually help. And it’s nice, since it brought me back home yesterday-”

“What- It was Jinki who brought you back yesterday” Minho said, interrupting Kibum;

“And it saved me of getting raped.” Kibum finished at the same time and then blushed “what do you mean Jinki brought me home yesterday?”

“What do you mean by rape? Who do I need to kill?”
Kibum took a deep breath and then shrugged.

“I can’t remember any details, but yeah, there was this guy trying to have sex with me, even though I was pretty out of it, but I know that it helped me.”

I smiled even though he couldn’t see me. I could see that Kibum was really grateful that I helped him, even if that is just what every single human should do. I wanted to be friends with Kibum, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be able to touch him, hug him, protect him from everything bad in the world, because he deserves that much.

“I could kill him-”

“Really, Minho, not the focus” Kibum said looking him directly in the eyes “what did you mean with Jinki brought me home?”

“Well, he called me, asked me to check on you, said he brought you home last night and that you seemed out of it. He was pretty worried, then he said that he wanted to talk with you, but he was afraid that it would make you uncomfortable. I asked why and, well, he didn’t want to tell me, but he had this… You know? I don’t know. I didn’t feel like Jinki was so interested since…”

“Since what?”

“Jonghyun”

At the sound of my name did I take a step closer to Minho, trying to read his expression. He had a sad and confused expression on his face.

“Who is Jonghyun?” Kibum whispered.

“It’s Jinki’s ex-boyfriend. He… Passed away almost 2 years ago now. Jinki doesn’t talk a lot about it, but we all know that he never got over it, you know? We tried to make him meet new people or just I don’t know… He never wanted. All his smiles were fake, he never showed any interest in anyone or anything beside his music… And you now.”

“What?” Kibum said so fast that I could bet his head hurt “He is not interested in me!”

“Yes, he freaking is. I don’t know, you surely are beautiful and smart and every guy in their right mind would have a crush on you” Kibum lifted a single eyebrow, but didn’t say anything, so Minho continued “and he sounded interested, he asked if you had a boyfriend and if I knew anything about you liking someone, because he can’t be smooth, you know?”

“HE ASKED WHAT?” Kibum screamed and then held his own head, his voice turned a tune up, becoming high and loud “What!? So, this conversation happened and you just come here to talk about my headache and dead people?”

“What!? I was worried!”
“Oh my god, I can’t meet him, I would die I don’t know-”

“Dramatic much”

I must agree with him, even if Kibum’s face is now really red and his eyes shining from tears, I think it’s an overreaction. Maybe my capacity of relating with another person became blurry after I died, but it's hard for me to understand why someone would be so afraid of talking to their crush.

“You don’t understand, Minho! I don’t remember what I’ve said, I don’t know what the… What the person who was in my body said to him! I don’t know why! I don’t know- Maybe it’s a trap! I can’t let anything happen to him. And now probably all the chances I had with him are all gone and-”

“OK, BREATHE” Minho screamed and held both of his hands now. “You said that you’ve felt love from the ghost and that it was beautiful. Why would he want to hurt Jinki? It loves him!”

That seemed to make Kibum feel calmer, and he let his body fall into Minho’s, hiding his face at his chest. Minho hugged him, bringing him close.

“I don’t know what It wants from me, but I just want to keep my crush on Jinki and keep living my life. I don’t need all this stress, I don’t need to be close to him, why would it want me to go after Jinki?”

Minho started to whisper sweet nothings on his ear and I just go to his notebook, took a pencil and wrote in big letters: “because you deserve happiness. just like Jinki”. And then I let them have their moment together and alone.]


OJK

Kibum was shaking while reading repeatedly the questions he had prepared for Jinki, and I felt almost bad for him, but since I was aiming for his happiness as well, I just decided to continue. Now that I know that Kibum not only knows about me but is willing to listen what I have to say, it's easier. When Minho joined the other in the small room and Kibum started talking with him about the interview, I go to his notebook again, open it on a random project page, and write fast: Be brave I'm trying to help you. Trust me.

But Kibum didn't have any chance do look at it since Jinki joined them, only a couple of minutes later, with a small smile on his lips and flushed face. I could tell just by giving him one look that he was really interested in Kibum, but didn't know how to approach the guy. Lost in my blurry memories of life, I could remember that once that smile had been directed at me.

"Hey, Kibum! I hope you're better after Saturday˜ Jinki said, sounding happier than I've heard him since I died. I was supposed to feel jealous, and I probably would if I was alive, but seeing the way Kibum blushed a little by the genuine concern in Jinki's voice, I could only feel a warm feeling in my chest.

"I'm good, actually, thank you for asking" He smiled at him "I have written down a few questions so if you want to read them first and just cross the ones you don't feel comfortable with answering" Kibum gave him the paper and a pen "Take as long as you want".

Jinki didn’t even take the paper, only smiled at Kibum.

“I don’t need it. I talked with Minho beforehand about everything and I know that he already made sure that I’m ok with the questions” he shrugged, “I’m sorry to ask, but do you remember anything of the party?”

“After I got very drunk, no” he smiled shyly “I just… yeah, had a major headache the next morning, and I can’t remember anything. Why?”

“You sai- You know what? Nothing” Jinki smiled at him, but something was quite fake, and I think that Kibum noticed, cause he frowned slightly, “I don’t think it’s fair to question something you said while you were drunk”.

Kibum seems torn between asking or not, but then Minho announced that the cameras were ready, and I can see the change: the shy Kibum with a big crush goes away and now we have this professional Kibum take the scene. I can see that Jinki is also shocked but Minho only smiles at him. He starts the interview doing everything right, taking all the best answers from Jinki and it’s clear to me that Jinki feels really comfortable now, which isn’t something common. I can’t really remember specific moments, but I can say that Jinki used to hate giving interviews, and since his YouTube channel became big, it was a common request, and he always hated everything about it but this one time it’s not the case: Kibum is doing it in a way that he was completely fine, laughing and looking at Kibum.

Really looking at him.

Maybe Jinki was already interested in Kibum before this, but now he really is. Jinki is the kind of person who is really attracted by people who value work and do their own thing very well, so I can see why this side of Kibum would make him interested.

“So” Kibum was looking at him with a small smile “your videos had a dramatic change since you first started your channel, you used to make some vlog videos and suddenly everything changed, you had this big hiatus and everything and when you came back, you’re a different person, what’s the difference between that Jinki and you sitting here right now? All that blog and daily life content was gone and now we have just amazing music, and you barely talk, why?”

Jinki seemed really caught of guard with that question and sent a glare to Minho, because Kibum did give him the chance to read the questions beforehand but he had trusted Minho to only let harmless questions pass. But now he had to bare his soul in front of a camera. Kibum seemed to notice this and blinked, confused.

“Maybe we can skip this one, right? Minho can cu-” He started, crossing the question on his notebook.

“I had a boyfriend” Jinki said, interrupting him “people knew, my subscribers too. He was in some of the vlogs, I’ve deleted those by now, but at the time, everyone knew. Jonghyun was there in most of the vlogs, smiling and loving me” He had this melancholic something in his eyes and I felt bad for me. He wasn’t sad, or crying, but he was remembering everything. He had those moments and memories close to him, in his heart.

I can’t have those anymore. I’m here. I can hear the words. But I can’t remember. I can remember the love, but maybe this isn’t love anymore. I don’t know what I am now. Or what I feel, I just remember ghost feelings and that sucks. Right then I had the urge to get into Kibum again and feel the warmth. His eyes looking at me. To feel that I’m human again.

“And he died, it was an accident, and we all just… I just… I’ve felt that my life wasn’t worth it anymore, you know? That I could never find someone that I could love so much or that would want me the same way Jonghyun did. I lost my happiness, I didn’t knew how to deal with the grief. We had a future planned, and suddenly he was gone. And I had this feeling that he was gone, but never truly gone, you know? It wasn’t possible that he wasn’t here anymore and all the plans were dead. I could feel him in every random thing that happened to me, in every single moment of my life in those last years that I’m here, alive without him. When I started to film again, I could feel his happiness for me, and that made me happy. I was happy because I could believe that he was here, so close to me. Recently, for a couple of months, that feeling was quite gone, I don’t know why, I didn’t feel it that frequently anymore. Like when you see someone every day and one day that person changes paths, and I was afraid. I was living for 2 years in the shadow of my happiness. I could only smile for real when I felt that he was close and that sucked! I put all my happiness in one person and this is unfair, you know? To him and to me, cause’ now he’s gone and I couldn’t be happy anymore.”

“Wow” Kibum said, all the professionalism breaking and his eyes were full of admiration and something new. It was something new, different, and so strong that Kibum had no words for a couple of minutes.

“I’m finally interested in someone again and it’s crazy for me” He laughed, blushing “because I remember when I first met Jonghyun, and I knew it was it because when I looked at him for the first time it was like my world had exploded and anything in my life didn’t make sense anymore besides his existence, and everything was so fast. We were living together after a month, it’s crazy. But with this new person that I’m trying to get to know, it’s different, when I first saw him, he was just like any other person, but then every time I met him again I notice something new and that new thing makes me want him more and this… I feel like this is what I need. Not a love that blinds me or anything like that, I need to give myself time to build a love for someone and build my own happiness as well beside that. So they can both exist together, but still separated, am I making any sense?” He laughed again and sounded shy “I think this was way too deep all of a sudden, I’m sorry.”

“Maybe it was” Kibum smiled a little “but it was nice to hear about this level of love, you know? I’m happy that you feel that you can live again now, that you can again fall in love and have a future with someone else. To have the strength to go through all off this and still be able to find a way to keep living, it’s beautiful and I’m just blown away by it right now, really. I think that you hold Jonghyun really close since he died, I bet he is proud to see the path that you’re making”.

And, deep down, I know that yes, I am. Looking at them, smiling at each other, I could tell that i made the right decision, but it wasn’t mine anyway: even if I wasn’t here, they would have found each other eventually.

OJK

“I know it’s you” Kibum whispered into the silent room the same night “Jonghyun”.

I just sit down next to him on the bed, and don’t say anything. Kibum had his notebook open on the same page I’ve written on earlier.

“You have unfinished things with Jinki, am I right? It was you that sent the text to Minho to make a video with Taemin, you knew they would invite me to the party, didn't you?”

I took the pen and wrote a single yes on the notebook. Kibum wasn’t scared, he watched the pen forming words with a passive expression, but I could feel that he was pretty mad right now.

“Why are you using me? Because I have feelings for him? Did you tell him that it was you the night I was drunk?”

I wrote a single ‘no’ there.

“You know what? This is cruel! You’re using my feelings and my body to be closer to him, and you’re messing with his feelings because now he feels like he is starting to be interest in me but he is not, it’s you all over again!” he closed the notebook with tears in his eyes “please leave my body and leave my life, I don’t want you messing with them anymore”.

He cried until sleep claimed him and I felt something close to guilt. I found the notebook again and wrote with clear letters: “please let me explain”. When Kibum woke up he saw it, I let the notebook right next to him on the bed.

“Can I trust you?” He said. And I wrote:

“I don’t know, I want you to, but I don’t feel like you will trust me. I don’t blame you”.

After that, Kibum called Minho.

OJK

“Let me see if I understood: you will drink all this beer so you can be possessed by Jinki’s ex-boyfriend again and you want me to interview him and record it for you to watch when you’re back?” Minho said, slowly “Why do I feel like my life is almost as crazy as a Doctor Who episode right now?”

“I feel like my life is a Doctor Who episode and you’re my companion” Kibum pressed the notebook against his chest “please, I only trust you to do this. You’re my best friend!”

Minho sighed and took the notebook, and then he ruffles Kibum’s hair, looking straight at him:

“You know that I believe in you, right? That you told me all this and that I really believe in you, right?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m asking you to do this” Kibum said, with a small smile.

“Yeah, but if something goes wrong I want permission to take you to the hospital and… If I really feel that this is… not the way you believe that it is, I’ll tell you after, ok?”

“Sure” Kibum said, and then hugged him “but I know what I feel and I know what it is, so don’t worry, if I’m right, Jonghyun will never do something to harm me.”

“No, the Jonghyun that I knew would never hurt anyone. I don’t know what death does with people, but while he was alive he was harmless.”

Minho held him close for a moment and then let him go and gave him a beer bottle.

“So, the drinking starts now” Kibum said to the air, probably for me “the moment you can possess me, I guess, do it and tell Minho what is going on, ok?”

Kibum had to drink two and a half bottles before I could finally get into his body. I felt all that warmth again, like I was alive. I could touch things, so the first thing that I did was to touch the bed and feel the mattress against my fingertips, smiling. I missed to feel textures. I missed the small things about being alive, like smell things or touch textures, you know all that trivial things that when you’re alive you never value enough? Yes, those kind of things.

“Kibum?” I heard Minho ask, uncertain.

“Jonghyun, actually” I said and smiled “I feel like I missed you.”

Minho was shocked.

“You’re really Jonghyun? In my best friend’s body?”

“Yeah”

“Prove it”.

“I don’t know how? It’s not easy to remember things right now. I don’t think I- really. My memories are fading slowly since I’m dead.”

Minho seemed to think a little, and then nodded, like the answer did made sense and then turned the camera on.

“Tell me what you told Jinki the first time you were possessing Kibum’s body” Minho said, “This is not a question that Kibum asked, but I know the right answer and Bummie doesn’t remember.”

“I told Jinki about Kibum’s crush” I said without any hesitation and that made Minho really look at me for the first time. I knew that I had a different posture now, I didn’t look drunk at all, probably because I wasn’t, and Kibum wasn’t that drunk that he couldn’t stand like the last time.

“It’s really you.”

“Yeah” I smiled at him “I’m sorry that I took your best friend’s body, it wasn’t my intention to begin with.”

Minho nodded and then took the notebook, checking the camera and then started to read the questions out loud:

“Why did you choose Kibum’s body?”

“I didn’t choose your body, I didn’t know that I could get into your body, I just knew that you had a high sensitivity and that attracted me to you. I only found out about the whole get-into- the-body-experience at the party because you were really drunk and I was worried about you.”

“I think that answer already covers two other questions”, Minho nodded again “How long have you been following me?”

“Only a couple of days. I’ve found you like a week ago, I guess? I’m not good with time anymore, sorry. But it’s not that long.”

“Were you following Jinki before?”

“Yes, since I’ve died.”
Minho frowned at that and put the notebook down, looking straight at me.

“So, when Jinki said that he was feeling that you’re close to him, it was really you?”

“Yes.”

“But recently, he said that he stopped feeling your presence, for a couple of months now, but you only started to follow Kibum about a week ago?”

“Yup.”

“Why did you stop following Jinki?”

I took a deep breath and took a second to appreciate the air filling Kibum’s lungs, it’s an amazing feeling!

“I didn’t. But the thing is: I have time to try to close everything I’ve left unfinished when I died, but it’s not all the time in the world, you know? I have some time and after that I’m really gone, and well it’s not happening suddenly. It will happen slowly. Since Jinki is not that sensitive as well, once my presence started to become weaker, he stopped feeling me. But I was happy only watching him, and then I saw Kibum and what it could be.”

I don’t know how I have all that information, it’s like: when you die you instantly learn some things and you don’t remember. Like a baby that doesn’t remember the first years of life so it never remembers when it learned to do things like breathe or clap.

“What could it be?”

“Jinki was sad” I said, looking at Kibum’s hand “I could feel it and I didn’t know what to do, for like, years, but then I’ve found Kibum” I looked at Minho and smiled “I heard you two talking about interviewing Jinki and I could see his pure heart and his crush and what the future brings. And I thought: maybe they can have a beautiful future.”

“But you love Jinki.”

It wasn’t a question, but I answered anyway:

“I believe I do, yes”

“So why would you want this? You know, to push them together?”

“Well, I want Jinki happy, even if it’s not with me anymore” I said with a sincere smile “It would be very petty of me to not want him to find someone new. I’m dead, I’m not coming back, so he should find happiness and he should love someone. I can’t remember what love really is, or how that feels, but it’s good. And Jinki deserves everything that is good.”
“So, your unfinished thing is about Jinki?”

“It’s Jinki’s happiness.” I corrected, smiling. I can surely say that I’ve missed to smile too.

“If you could, would you try to steal Kibum’s body?”

“No” I said easily “I can’t say that the thought never crossed my mind, because it did. I miss it, you know? The warmth, the feelings, the memories, the love, everything, but it would be unfair. I’ve had my time and it’s over now, I can’t take other persons times because I’m mad that mine is over.”

“Did you accept that you’re dead?”

“Yes” I smiled. “Even if I miss some things, it’s natural to miss things that you don’t have anymore, but I’ve accepted that I can’t have them back.”

“Can I hug you?” Minho asked, eyes shining with fresh tears.

“Of course.”

I let Minho hold Kibum’s body and enjoyed the warmth, the kindness in the gesture. It was Kibum’s body, but I felt his arms hold my soul. I think I needed that.

“Can I ask you something?” I whispered to him “Don’t let Kibum give up on Jinki. They will be good for each other.”

Feeling my spirit getting lighter, I just left Kibum’s body. He was sleeping in Minho’s arms and I believe that he noticed the difference, because I heard in a small voice:

“I promise.”

OJK

When Kibum woke up, Minho was there, with the video ready and they didn’t waste a single second before watching it. Kibum cried while watching, silent tears running down his beautiful face. I wanted to hug him, to tell him to not waste his emotions on me, since I’m already dead and everything. But at the same time I knew that Kibum has a bigger heart than anyone, and he would care anyway, even though I’m dead.

This was probably one of the great virtues of Kibum: his sensitivity. I’m not only talking about the way he can relate to people's feelings and connect with them. His soul, it’s beautiful, and I’m glad that I’m bringing Jinki and him together somehow.

“I can’t do this” Kibum said, his voice shaking “I can’t- I just- Oh God!”

Minho shook his head, stopping the video, with his arms holding Kibum’s body close to his own.

“You don’t understand, Kibum” Minho said “He wants this, Jonghyun, he wants you to have this with Jinki!”

I wanted to scream that yes, that was what I wanted and that he should just go and ask Jinki on a date already. I needed this, I couldn’t feel many things, but right now I was anxious. It was like a storm of feelings caused by the fear of Kibum giving up. I can’t explain what’s going on, but I know that all these feelings were here for a reason:

The storm before the dawn. My time is ending.

“I know what he wants and I know what he needs, but what about what I need?” Kibum said, not even trying to wipe the tears that were falling from his face “I know that he is trying his best and that he feels like he is helping me, but is he? Jinki doesn’t know me! He talked to me what? Four times and with one of them it was Jonghyun in my body! How can he even be interested in me? FOR ME?”

“No! You’re reading this all wrong, Bummie! Jinki is interested! He wants to get to know you, dates and all that stuff.”

“YES he wants this because of Jonghyun” He screamed and then stopped, hands covering his face “He’ll get to know me and then he’ll just be disappointed, you know?” he mumbled and then let the hands fall “you don’t understand, Minho! I’m just… I only wanted my life to be mine! And not to have any other interference! I stopped drinking! I didn’t want anyone in my body anymore, because it’s my body! MINE! And I didn’t want to be involved in messes like this.”

“Bummie, but Jinki-”

“Don’t” Kibum interrupted him, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do now. I can’t be this petty. I have to tell Jinki about everything and just wait for the disappointment. Please, don’t try to say that this isn’t going to happen and just… Leave me alone for a bit, I’m still hungover.”

Minho’s eyes were consumed by fire, but he still hugged his friend, and kissed his hair.

“Promise me that you’ll trust me, ok?” He whispered into Kibum’s hair and waited until the other man nodded and then let him lay on the bed. He took his things and left the room. I stayed there, paralyzed, watching Kibum cry himself to sleep. I need to touch him, hug him, say that I was sorry and that I really believed that this was the right thing. But did I have this right? I decided what was good to him without asking him first and only thinking about what Jinki needed in the first place. I believe that I did the right thing, but what if I didn’t? What if I ruined everything for what could have been a beautiful future?

Kibum was mad, and he had every right to be, but I needed to finish this. The decisions were already made, and if it was wrong, maybe I could make this right by ending it.

So I let Kibum and went after Minho. I was running, or what ghosts without a body do, trying to identify his voice lost in several others. Until I heard it. Not his voice, but Jinki’s.

“Minho, can’t you wait a little? I need to record this now!”

“No! It’s important, please, believe me!”

When I came into the room, Minho was holding Jinki’s wrist like his life depended on it.

“It’s just a video” Minho said “that I need to show you and your life will change, I swear!”

Jinki looked a bit wary, but then he decided that whatever Minho wanted to show him was worthy of his time. He let himself be dragged to the couch and waited as Minho took his laptop and put the video on the screen.

“Kibum?” Jinki asked, sounding interested now.

“Yes, but first you need to promise something; you’ll believe me, because I was there and it was freaking crazy, ok?” He waited until Jinki nodded, his eyes fixed on the frozen Kibum on the screen “Ok, so Kibum has a secret and I feel like an asshole telling you this, but he will tell you anyway so…”

“So why are you telling me?” Jinki asked, looking into his friend’s eyes.

“Because he will not tell you in the right way, ok? He feels that he owes you and Jonghyun something, and that’s not true.”

“Jong- What’s going on?” He was pissed. Oh, God, he was really pissed.

“Kibum has a high sensitivity” Minho said fast, feeling the animosity “he can feel dead people around him, he can’t see them or talk with them, because he is not that strong, but when he is drunk, his mind is weaker and spirits can get into his body.”

Jinki’s eyes were wide.

“What?” He asked slowly “that’s… Ok, you said that I had to believe, but c’mom, this is crazy.”

“I know! It freaking is! But it happened! And Jonghyun found out about this and he has been following Kibum for a couple of days now and he messed with everything but he was actually trying to help!”

“This is not funny” Jinki said, his tone serious “Don’t toy with my feelings like that. It’s not funny, I’m telling you. I like you, Minho, you’re a good friend, and this” he made a wide gesture with his hands “it’s the way to break things.”
“Ok, I knew that you would have this reaction, but now I can tell you: remember that Kibum does not remember what he said to you on the night of the party?”

“Yes. He was really drunk.”

“Well, because it wasn’t him. Well, he was really drunk okay, and that’s how Jonghyun could possess his body that night. And now you will watch this: after you told your story during the interview, Kibum connected the dots and found out that it was Jonghyun following him around and then he made me record this. We got him drunk and then… You’ll see. It’s… Kibum didn’t know Jonghyun, Jinki, we both know that. He couldn’t do this impersonation. So watch this with an open heart, ok?”

And he played the video. Jinki started to watch with disbelief and then, slowly, his eyes were full of tears and kindness.

“Well, I want Jinki happy even if it’s not with me anymore” I said with a sincere smile “It would be very petty of me to not want him to find someone new. I’m dead, I’m not coming back, so he should find happiness without me and he should love someone. I can’t remember what love really is, or how that feels, but it’s good. And Jinki deserves everything that is good.”

I heard Kibum’s voice say, knowing that it were my words. Jinki was shaking his head in disbelief, but it was different now. It was like when something so good happens that he can’t really believe it. It’s not ironic. It’s pure.

“God” Jinki said, sounding breathless “how could he do this with Kibum’s feelings?”

Was the first thing he said and I knew this was the right choice. I felt myself lighter. I could feel my time ending, I don’t know exactly what would happen, but I knew that it was coming for me.

“Jonghyun was trying to reach you, to help you, and he found Kibum by chance” Minho was emotional now, touching Jinki’s arm in a comforting way “Kibum thinks you’re not interested in him, but in Jonghyun being his body and, to be fair, it’s a genuine worry. I don’t want you to answer me now, or to go find Kibum, or anything like that. I want you to think about this, about your feelings and about Jonghyun, and if you really want to move on now, and if you want this with Kibum. I know it’s early, you guys barely know each other, but I believe you can at least say if you feel attracted at all. Take your time, ok?”

And he left Jinki there. And I did the same, I believe after all this, what I need to do now is let them be.

OJK

After some time, I couldn’t count how many days had passed, the first message came. Kibum blushed and smiled at the cellphone.

From: Unknown.

Er, It’s Jinki. Minho gave me your number, I hope it’s not a problem. Wanted to say thank you for not including the whole Jonghyun talk in the interview.

To: Jinki

No problem. I could tell you were uncomfortable, so it was my job as a journalist, I guess.

From: Jinki

Well, not every journalist has this mindset.

To: Jinki

I’m not every journalist, mister.

From: Jinki

Maybe I want to learn more about that.

To: Jinki

About journalism?

From: Jinki

About you.

Kibum’s face was really red by now and believing that he slept well after that was hard.

To: Jinki

I’m not Jonghyun.

From: Jinki

Great, I really want to know Kibum. Not Jonghyun.

OJK

Jinki’s laugher was one of the greatest things in the world. And Kibum knew how to say the right things to make him laugh after just a couple of dates. They held hands during the first one, tentative, slow. At the second one, Kibum let Jinki hug him at the end of it.

It was moving very slowly. It was what they both needed. I could tell. I followed them around, making sure that I did the right thing, while feeling myself fade little by little.

“I love that the sky is full of stars” Kibum said. He was lying in the grass, it was night, he was looking at the sky with his deep brown eyes.

Jinki was looking at him.

“I love when we can go this far for a date” he said, smiling “I like the nature.”

“Me too, and a picnic is the best way to enjoy life” he laughed “you know, when you run from school and YouTube videos and just watch the stars.”

“It’s beautiful” Jinki smiled at him.

Kibum looked at him, noticing the insistent stare.

“You’re looking at me! Enjoy the nature, you can see my boring face every day.”

“It’s not boring” he moved closer “it’s pretty”.

When their lips touched, my world should be filled with jealousy. But to me, everything was shining, my path was coming to an end.

OJK

“Are you sure?” Jinki asked with a grimace.

“Yes, I trust you and I think we need this” Kibum said, taking the beer bottles and putting them on the bed.

“Why?”

“Because even if you like me, or think that you like me, you and Jonghyun need closure. You need to say goodbye, since you’ve never had a chance to, and I believe that, since I can give you that, why should I deny that to him?”

“But this-”

“Was my idea, and if I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t bring it up, ok?” Kibum smiled to him and opened the bottle “I’m doing this because I trust your feelings.”

He started to drink slowly. This time was the easier, maybe because he was really open to the idea of having me in his body. After only one and a half bottle, I touched his arm and felt the warmth.

“Jinki?” I asked, voice low, knowing that my eyes were full of love and goodbyes.

“Jonghyun?’ he smiled to me. “It’s really you, isn’t it? I can tell, the way you hold your shoulders and how you bite your own lips, Kibum doesn’t do this.”

“yeah” I answered and smiled. “This is the last time, though, my time it’s ending. I already finished what I needed to finish.”
“Me?”

“Yes, I just… See you so happy after all that has happened and it really was what I needed to let go. You know that I didn’t have anyone but you and we were everything for each other, and now I’m glad that i didn’t leave you alone.”
He was with tears in his eyes, looking at Kibum and watching my soul. Me. Like before. Like the earlier days.

“Kibum is amazing” I said “I am so happy for you both, really.’

“When Kibum told me that he wanted to do this I didn’t… I was afraid. I thought that I would see you and want you, and love you the same way I did before and that you would ruin my new relationship, but it’s not like that, you know?” His tears were falling now “what I feel is… Love still, yes. But different, it’s a nostalgia kind of love. And I feel gratitude for all the amazing years that you gave me, and for meeting you.” He held his arms open for me and I ran to him.

“Thank you for giving me these beautiful years of your life, the last ones.”

“Thank you for making my life wonderful until my last seconds. Because of you I still remember the meaning of love.”

And I felt everything, His arms. His tears. His love. His gratitude. I felt my memories. My alive memories and my dead memories. I felt all my life’s emotions in my veins. Not Kibum’s. I felt my old body coming to me. I felt my beginning. And my end. I opened my arms and let the time take me. For a second I felt freedom.

And then there was only peace.


The end