Day 6 ❀ Asking Works Wonders ❀
Oct. 14th, 2017 07:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
colorful_worldTitle: Asking Works Wonders
Prompt-#: 242
For: Anonymous
Pairing: TaeKey (JongYu, JongHo)
Author: SERiOuSLY@aff
Word count: 10 112 words
Rating: R
Warnings: mentions of anxiety, mentions of sex
Summary: Taemin and Kibum are roomates, but Kibum isn't too impressed by Taemin's touchy-feely tendencies.
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The first time Taemin climbs into his bed at night, it earns him a shove and a sharp hiss of "What the fuck?", the former hard enough to send him tumbling straight to the ground.
There is a bit of fumbling around, a string of more curses, and finally, a gush of light from the small lamp on Kibum's nightstand that is entirely too bright for his eyes.
"What the fuck?" Kibum repeats, his voice sounding only more vigourous. His eyebrows are furrowed when Taemin lifts his head to glance up at him, and even with his sight still blurred with white dots, there is no way for him to miss how livid his roommate looks right now.
"I could ask you the same thing…" He shoots back, because he doesn't think throwing him off the edge of the bed was necessary. Kibum could have nicely asked him to fuck off and go sleep on his own side of the room, instead of being all dramatic (and violent) like that.
"This is my bed," Kibum states the obvious, his tone still much too harsh for Taemin's taste. And for a split second he entertains the idea of throwing something equally snappy right back at his roomate. But he is tired and all he wanted was someone to cuddle up to while falling asleep and Kibum doesn't seem like he is going to consider letting him sneak under his comforter anytime soon.
Which means it's probably not worth arguing about.
So he replies with a soft mumble of "Yeah, whatever," lifting himself off the floor to retreat into his own bed, "I got it."
He knew he should have moved to Jonghyun's and Jinki's room for the night. They definitely wouldn't have thrown him out.
///
It's only a week later, though, that it happens again.
Although Kibum is lounging on their couch this time, not in his bed, and it isn't particularly late, either. Taemin can't say for sure, because he just woke up from a nap and didn't bother checking how much time had passed, but the sun is still up, so it can't be too late.
The TV is running - a commercial break, from what he can tell - and Kibum is scrolling through Instagram, the expression on his face not quite bored, but not impressed, either.
When Taemin plops down next to him, that changes in an instant, though. It would be kind of amusing if it wasn't such an apparent foreboding to the sharp glares and even sharper tongue Taemin knows he will be subjected to in no time.
"What are you doing?" Kibum asks as if on cue, eyeing him with suspicion. And way too much of it, too. As if he is expecting the younger man to pounce him right then and there.
"Nothing," Taemin shrugs, his messy ponytail bobbing along. Granted, invading far too much of Kibum's space is what he had been doing last time (and maybe a couple of times before, too). But Kibum isn't Jonghyun or Jongin, and it's obvious that he feels very opposed to anything that with his close friends, Taemin would consider pre-first base at most. So if there is anything he learned from all that, it's that he needs to be more cautious.
Needs to avoid being as impulsive and straightforward as he would usually behave.
It should be fine to shift a bit closer to Kibum, though. And drape his arm over the headrest behind them, instead of leaving his hands awkwardly clasped in his lap.
At least that's what he wants to believe, until he does exactly that and it leaves him to watch Kibum's expression fall in the mere blink of an eye as the older man tenses up all over again.
"Watching TV alone is boring, isn't it?" Taemin says - a pathetic and futile attempt at guiding Kibum's attention away from their close proximity.
A few silent seconds tick by before the warmth next to him is gone and Kibum is striding into the direction of his room, his steps so quick, Taemin can barely keep up with what is happening.
"I like my personal space, thank you very much," Kibum drawls, annoyance clear in his voice. And he's gone just like that, the door of their bedroom falling shut with a loud bang.
"Whatever," Taemin mumbles under his breath, but he can't help the disappointment from spreading through his chest.
Slamming the door really wasn't necessary. And neither was looking at him like he was the most disdainful creature walking on the earth's surface.
Kibum's reaction could have been far worse, though.
At least he didn't get shoved this time. That has to mean something.
///
Living with Kibum isn't all bad.
He doesn't leave his trash lying all around, doesn't forget to refill the toilet paper after using up the last of it and if he ever brings anyone home at all, he does it at a decent time. With lots of opportunities for Taemin to escape in case things get too loud and heated, instead of fucking out on the couch at three-thirty in the morning without even thinking about keeping it down.
So Taemin is grateful for that, really.
He isn't a bad person and most of his friends would kill for a roomate that doesn't keep them up half of the night and refuses to do any more work than the inanimate objects discarded behind the doors of their cabinets.
But it could be better.
It could be a whole lot better.
Because they have been rooming together for almost three months now, and Kibum does speak to him and does acknowledge his presence, but it's always a bit insincere and dismissive, despite being far from unfamiliar with each other at this point. Or at least, insincere and dismissive are the most fitting words Taemin can think of.
As if he is posing some kind of a nuisance and Kibum is just so able to muster the patience to humour him. Which wouldn't be too weird if he was Jonghyun who belts out songs all day every day. Or the older man's boyfriend Jinki, who loves to turn his video games up to the highest volume. Or Minho, who's been having a mostly ambiguous thing going with Jonghyun ("He's totally going to fall for me, you'll see," is Jonghyun's usually comment on the topic - accompanied by the most confident smile - and Taemin has often wished for himself to be half as optimistic as his best friend when it comes to his crushes) and who apparently snores really loudly at night.
But he doesn't snore and he's way too self-conscious about his voice to let anyone hear him sing, and he's rarely playing video games anymore. So why Kibum is so stand-offish when it comes to him, he doesn't understand.
It's all he ends up thinking about that day.
All that is on his mind when he sits on the lawn outside their university building, trying to cram his head with pages of Japanese vocabulary. And later in the evening, when he is alone because it's a Friday and Kibum left for home some two hours ago and the silence that has spread through their dorm room feels a lot more stifling than it usually does.
But in the end, he is no smarter than he was before.
No smarter, but certainly a lot more dejected.
Because he was convinced Kibum and him would get along fine when they first moved in together, but lately he isn't so sure anymore.
///
"Hey hyung," Taemin calls out when Kibum emerges from their bedroom for the first time in hours, the cheerfulness in his voice a little exaggerated, but no less genuine.
All it earns him is an eye-roll and the curt announcement of "I'll be back" as Kibum steps out the front door. Heading off to his usual Friday night uni party, Taemin assumes. Because that's the only place Kibum ever goes if he doesn't spend his weekends visiting home or hanging out with one of his many friends. And besides, where else is he supposed to go in a getup like that anyway?
Taemin thinks that the presence of those tight, black leather pants is arguable, but then again, it does look pretty damn good on the older man. Even to someone who cares as little about fashion as Taemin does, so he guesses Kibum knows what he's doing.
"He loves me," Taemin shrugs, turning to Jonghyun with a nod that looks just a tad more confident that he actually feels.
"I think you're mistaking hate for love again," Jonghyun teases, having followed the entire scene from the armchair in the corner with his usual, quiet observance.
"If that's what you want to believe," Taemin retorts, not ready to admit defeat, but feeling more uncertain by the second, still.
"He really doesn't seem to like me a lot, though, does he?" He asks, trying his best to keep the pricks of insecurity in his chest from sneaking all the way into his voice.
"Kibummie doesn't like most people," Jonghyun states, brutally honest as always, a small shrug accompanying his words.
"But he likes you," Taemin argues.
Sometimes he isn't sure if it's a good or a bad thing that his best friend and his roomate are childhood friends. They bicker more than they get along, and Taemin can't even begin to count the times Jonghyun has told him that he's 'so through with Kibum.' But it's beyond obvious, how close they actually are. And beyond disheartening, to realise that he might never mean remotely as much to Kibum as Jonghyun does.
Prior to rooming with each other, Taemin only met Kibum twice. Once at Jonghyun's eighteenth birthday party and once at his best friend's high school graduation, because Kibum lived all the way across the city and visited a completely different school than theirs and there was just no reason to see each other.
With Jonghyun, it had been different, since Kibum and the older man went to school together for the better part of their childhood. But Taemin had been nothing more than the friend of a friend and it made no sense for them to meet up if Jonghyun wasn't involved.
Ending up as roomates had been a complete coincidence but Taemin had been optimistic about the whole thing either way. Kibum was one of Jonghyun's closest friends, after all. And Taemin didn't remember him as being rude or mean or anything of the like.
So if anything, he had been excited, almost. Because he viewed it as a great opportunity to get to know Kibum better.
At this point, he thinks that the older man has only become stranger to him, though.
"Maybe that's cause I'm a decent human being and actually listen to him if he tells me to back off?" Jonghyun supplies, a teasing edge to his voice.
"I listen too," Taemin argues, offended at the implication behind the older man's words.
"Uh-huh," Jonghyun hums, the sound dripping with sarcasm.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Taemin demands, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration.
But Jonghyun only grins in response, and Taemin thinks that he doesn't actually want him to elaborate.
///
"What the fuck are you doing?" The annoyed growl bursts Taemin's bubble of bliss with such merciless intensity, the younger man finds his heart beat halt for a second, the shock crawling all the way into his bones.
"Jesus," He clutches his chest, feeling the slightest bit reassured to find Jonghyun looking just as startled as him, to have their cozy cuddling session disturbed so crudely.
"What does it look like we're doing?" Taemin shoots back at Kibum, throwing a burning glare over his shoulder where the older man is still rooted to the ground - wearing what is an equally fiery expression at most. As if the sight of his friend and his roomate chilling on the couch isn't one of the tamer things he could have ended up witnessing, returning from his trip home a few hours earlier than planned.
Granted, Jonghyun has his head buried in his chest and Taemin had just been in the middle of appreciating his friend's newly dyed, dark brown hair, but at least they are dressed. And at least, they don't have their hands down one another's pants. That should be more than enough.
"You're fucking weird," Kibum shakes his head - in something like disbelief, Taemin assumes - and before Taemin has the chance to defend himself, the older man has stormed off, the door of their bedroom falling shut behind him.
"That wasn't very nice," Jonghyun pouts, his best friend's cuteness momentarily distracting Taemin from the fact that yes, he very much agrees. At least up to the point where he adds, "I think rooming with you isn't good for Kibummie." Because he is sure he must have not heard right there.
"Excuse me?" Pulling up his eyebrows, Taemin stares at the older man in the most accusing manner he can muster, but Jonghyun doesn't falter for even just a second.
"Rooming with you isn't good for him," His friend repeats, all the while toying with the stray strands of hair that have escaped Taemin's ponytail.
"He's so mean these days," Jonghyun sighs, as if it's a true shame, to have lost Kibum to such outrageous behaviour, when really, Taemin doesn't remember him ever being anything but sharp. All nicks and edges and blunt words.
But Jonghyun knows a different Kibum, Taemin realises even before his best friend concludes "It's so not like him."
And Taemin can't help but wonder if he, too, would know a different, less dismissive Kibum by now, if he didn't transform from being a stranger to becoming such a constant in the older man's life completely by chance. And if he wasn't quite so cuddly, too.
"He isn't always mean," Taemin responds, "just like…every other day, I guess."
He isn't sure why he is defending Kibum, but he knows that thinking back, the older man hasn't been acting quite as terrible as Jonghyun is making it sounds.
"And he even makes me food sometimes," There have been a few occasions where Kibum would cook dinner for the both of them and pop it into the microwave time and time again, insisting on making him eat until Taemin would have at least a few bites. Or when he would find Taemin huddled up alone in his room every once in a while - Jongin at work and Jinki and Jonghyun visiting their parents - and offer for him to tag along to wherever he was heading to, because according to him 'spending a Friday night alone at home isn't healthy.'
Taemin would argue that it is very healthy, and definitely much better than sitting with a terrifyingly large group of ten plus people in some crowded bar, but that isn't the point right now. The point is that he appreciated the sentiment, and that none of these instances qualify as Kibum being mean in his eyes.
"That's the shortcut to your heart isn't it?" Jonghyun chuckles, a teasing expression gracing his features.
"I can't blame you, though. Kibummie's cooking is pretty amazing."
Sticking out his tongue at his friend, Taemin's mind starts drifting back to an earlier point in their conversation, realisation taking over as he exclaims, "I'd say that this is your fault, if anything, you know."
And Taemin grins when Jonghyun's face scrunches up in confusion, amusement bubbling up in his chest at his own words.
"How is it my fault now?" Jonghyun demands to know, sitting up to look at him only for Taemin to tug him back down with a soft mumble of "Don't leave, I'm not finished yet."
"You made me like this," Taemin accuses, thinking back to a time when he wasn't even half as affectionate with his friends, and how Jonghyun came along and flipped his whole world upside down.
He still remembers, how strange he thought it was, when they hung out together one cold weekend in high school - something like boredom having sneaked into the air in Jonghyun's room after they finished playing whatever video game they had been obsessed with at the time - and Jonghyun randomly threw the question 'Wanna cuddle?' at him.
But it's not like Taemin has ever complained. Not even after getting over his initial surprise that first time. How could he, when it was what made him realised how starved for affection he has always been. Craving to the point of fearing that it was no longer healthy. And how amazing it had been to learn that it was okay.
That there isn't and has never been anything wrong with him for wanting to be comforted with a hug and seek out cuddles whenever his anxiety becomes too overwhelming to bear. Although he doesn't feel quite as confident about any of it as soon as Kibum is involved.
His roomates narrowed eyes and snappy comments make it very hard to be anything but intimidated. And all because Jonghyun took away whatever inhibitions he had back in high school.
"You made me like this and now Kibum-hyung hates me…" Taemin concludes after a brief moment of silence, fully aware that he's being much more dramatic than necessary. But how could he not be, when just a minute ago, Kibum looked like he was ready to murder them both and bury their mangled bodies in some secluded forest to never be found.
"I can't believe you're trying to blame me for this," Jonghyun laments, shattering the gruesome image that is beginning to take shape in Taemin's mind. Maybe he should avoid horror movies for a while.
"Well, I can't believe you're blaming me for his attitude," Taemin retorts. But he can practically watch Jonghyun's attention drift off when one of his hands finds its way back into his best friend's hair.
It's pretty damn adorable. And quite convenient, too, that it only takes that much to distract his best friend. They both have a horrible attention span for sure.
"I don't see why being cuddly is a bad thing," Jonghyun mumbles, a far away look in his eyes.
He can't be as absent as he lets on, though. Taemin has witnessed a completely spaced out Jonghyun often enough to know that the older man isn't there yet.
So it comes as no surprise when Jonghyun oh-so thoughtfully adds "As long as you ask first, of course," and then, "I think that's the real issue here, you know, that you don't ask."
Taemin can't say that that's what he wants to hear right now, though. Even if Jonghyun might be just a tiny bit right.
"Yeah, whatever," Taemin insists, "He totally hates me."
All Jonghyun does is sigh in response. But he tugs Taemin's hand in to stroke his hair some more, still.
///
Sundays suck. They are so close to Mondays, it feels like his free time is slipping straight from his grip at a much too rapid pace. And yet they are too lazy to do much of anything, and Taemin thinks it's the absolute worst combination imaginable.
Because the sense of having wasted an entire day is always unavoidable like this. Unless one of his friends decides to drag him out his door and into the world, but he surely isn't going to let them without putting up a fight. Jongin tried earlier, actually, and Taemin even contemplated going along at the promise of free lunch and leftover cheesecake from his friend's job at a pastry shop in the city center. But then it started raining - an insane downpour that came with pitch black clouds and strong wind - and every thought of leaving his cozy dorm room was thrown out the window just like that. Which led him to use his free afternoon alternating between napping and playing his way through one of his favourite Pokémon games, instead.
No cheesecake, but probably much more fun than wet socks (he should have bought new sneakers weeks ago) and gross crowds of gross people everywhere.
He is just about to lead his character out into the wild after a brief visit to the Pokémon center - thinking that if his memory isn't betraying him, he should be able to find a Venonat somewhere around here, which would be the perfect addition to his adorable team - when his stomach gives a loud rumble, reminding him of the fact that he hasn't had as much as a single bite in at least twelve hours.
Peeling himself out of his bed with reluctance in his every move, Taemin ventures out into the living room to search their small refrigerator for something edible that isn't instant ramyeon or potato chips.
He almost can't believe his luck when he finds a box of Kimbap, hidden away behind bottles of soju and a half-empty glass of Kimchi Kibum brought with him the last time he returned from visiting his parents.
"I'm gonna have the Kimbap," He announces, giving Kibum the opportunity to intervene, because last time he didn't and the complaining that followed isn't something he is keen on experiencing again.
"Leave one for me," The older man requests.
"Just one?" Taemin finds Kibum lounging on the couch when he turns in his spot and finally lets his gaze wanders around the room, now that his quest of finding himself a proper meal has been successful.
"Yeah," Kibum says, not bothering to look up from the manga clutched in his hands. The rare scene is enough to pique Taemin's curiousity, knowing that as much as Kibum loves books and manga, he's much too studious to fill his free time with anything other than textbooks and heaps of notes (unless it's to go party for the night and unwind dancing the hours away).
"Is that the manga you told me about?" Taemin asks, spotting the pink drawings on the cover from all the way across the living room. Kibum hums an affirmation.
"It looks like some cheap Yaoi," The younger man observes as he steps closer, his nose wrinkled in distaste because he would have never thought that Kibum would stoop down to such low levels of entertainment. The type that screams fucked up relationship dynamics and cliché all over. Sometimes, the covers do a good enough job concealing the horrendous story that awaits the reader on the pages. And sometimes, it looks so promising that even an experienced reader like himself falls into the trap.
But this one isn't even trying to put on a decent facade.
"Shut up, this manga is a master piece," Kibum argues, looking as if he is ready to defend the work with his life. Which might well be the length the older man would be willing to go to, considering how passionate he can get about the things he enjoys. It's both kind of cute and kind of scary.
"They're gonna fuck, aren't they?" Taemin scans the first few panels, the fine drawing of a not so fine kiss followed by lots of blushing and ending with one of the guys being crowded into the wall. Taemin nods to himself. They are definitely going to fuck.
"Yeah," Kibum responds a little absently, adding "Two rounds, at least," and then, "I don't remember the details, though."
And Taemin thinks this is weird. Not the fact that Kibum can't recall the exact manner in which the fucking will go down, because he couldn't care less about that, but the way in which he speaks with him is truly strange.
Because right now, there is none of the annoyance and dismissal Kibum usually meets him with. Instead it's casual and familiar and everything else Taemin hasn't expected this kind of conversation to be. It makes him sink down on the couch next to the older man without really registering what he is doing until their shoulders are touching and he can feel Kibum tense up as if on cue.
"Don't mind me," Taemin tells him, naively hoping that a small reminder like that will be enough to keep Kibum from getting angry again. To his surprise, all Kibum does is shoot him a glare, however. And as deadly as it is, he is genuinely taken aback when it is neither followed by an elbow stabbed into his side, nor a frustrated huff and the bang of a door slamming shut.
Although he swears he hears the older man mumble something along the lines of 'Calm down, Kibum' under his breath, but he can't be sure.
Basking in his triumph - small as it may be - Taemin feels a smile take over his face as he keeps reading along while Kibum turns the page. The scene is becoming more and more cliché by the second ('Yeah, I'm ready, just shove it in' the smaller man insists, and Taemin thinks that no, he's really not. They didn't get past two fingers and the other dude's dick is monstrous for a full blood Japanese man called Shinji and it's going to hurt like a bitch. But hey, the guys in Yaoi manga aren't exactly known for their phenomenal choices, so Taemin can't say it strikes him as unusual) and Taemin starts wondering once again, why on earth Kibum would enjoy a story like this.
The older man has always been much more keen about the unconventional and sophisticated. His small collection of books holds titles Taemin can't even pronounce and he rolls his eyes time Taemin asks to watch a movie with him, only to present him with a DVD of some 'horrendous American comedy that should have never been shot in the first place.' So how any of this fits into the equation, he doesn't know.
Maybe it's supposed to create a balance of sorts. Ease all the different pains his brain must suffer reading classic literature and English novels with some cute manga dudes having mindless sex.
Before he can venture further down his trail of confused thoughts, however, his line of vision is invaded by an obnoxious shade of pink as Kibum traps the story back between its cover and produces a second manga from a small pile on the coffee table that Taemin is only noticing now.
"How many volumes does this thing have?" He asks in complete disbelief, the same delicate drawings appearing the moment Kibum has flipped the manga open.
"Five," Kibum provides, "and counting."
"Oh my god," Taemin shakes his head. "I didn't know you were a masochist."
He can't believe Kibum would read an entire five volumes of this. As if he didn't already have to put up with enough stereotypical bullshit from everyone and their mother for identifying as anything but straight.
"What can I say?" Kibum responds simply, the tone of his voice sending the clear message of 'Shut the fuck up already'. And Taemin knows better than to piss his roomate off again. He doesn't want to be responsible for any premature deaths by heart attack or anything equally severe, after all, so he turns his attention back to the story and reads through the small number of pages recounting the events of the previous chapter.
It's not like he has anything better to do on a Sunday anyway.
Taemin isn't sure how much time goes by with them sitting on the couch like that, Kibum turning the pages as they go through one chapter of the manga after the other. But they must have spend hours like this, because when Kibum puts the last volume away, it's already dark outside.
Or at least, that's what Taemin believes, until his gaze wanders out the window and he realises that dusk doesn't look quite so threatening.
"Ugh, it's fucking pouring," Kibum is quick to observe, the distaste evident on his face as a sudden gush of rain starts what appears to be the beginning of a stormy night.
"It's Sunday," Taemin shrugs, unfazed.
"Well, yeah, but unlike you, I still have plans," Kibum makes a face, as if the whole world just got a million times darker at the prospect of having to stay at home for the evening.
"I have plans, too," Taemin argues, not even bothering to add 'My bed and I were really looking forward to spending the evening together', because Kibum has that smug kind of look on his face, as if he already knows exactly what Taemin is thinking, anyway.
Before the older man has the opportunity to voice exactly how boring it is to waste away so much time sitting at home, however, his breath is cut off by a roar of thunder.
"Yay, thunderstorm," Taemin says, his eyes lighting up, because the storm this morning had been way too short and this looks a lot like it could turn into a wild night and he likes those. Lying in the dark and listening to heavy raindrops against windows - topped off with the occasional flash of lightning and booming thunder - is one of his favourite ways to fall asleep.
"Yeah, great," Kibum forces out, and Taemin doesn't even try to muffle his laughter when Kibum flinches as yet another rumble sounds through the silence.
"Fuck off," The older man snaps. He still looks shaken, though. Only a little, at first, but increasingly so when the thunders outside become louder by the minute. Taemin would have never expected Kibum to have such an agitated reaction to thunderstorms of all things.
"Ohh, I know," He blurts out, "How about a cuddle?"
"I'm sure cuddles will make the storm less scary," Taemin nods to himself - attempting to hide the fact that on the inside, he is cringing about his own words. He can't believe that this is what things have come down to. This isn't even Jonghyun territory anymore, this is straight up grossness.
But he can always count on Kibum to let him know how pathetic he is being.
"Ohh wow, what kind of teen magazine did you get that from?" Kibum pulls up his eyebrow in mockery, any kind of tension momentarily eased from his shoulders as he stares his roomate down with pure judgement.
"Also, I'm not scared, I just don't like the noise," He is quick to add, and Taemin can't say he is convinced, but he guesses he’s going to let that explanation pass.
And maybe, if he will be extra nice, Kibum is going to rethink his choice.
Adamant to blast even the last flicker of his hope, Kibum doesn't take any pity in him for the whole rest of the evening. Although he does look mildly impressed when Taemin manages to somehow allude to cuddling in five different ways throughout a ten-minute conversation over hot chicken skewers and corn dogs from the 7-Eleven down the road.
And he doesn't go out, either.
Not after the near death experience of racing from the entrance of their apartment building to the convenience store with lightning flashing across the sky at random intervals.
Taemin would argue that with all the high buildings around, the odds of them being struck were quite low, but if it frightened Kibum enough to ditch whatever plans he had and stay home with him instead, he wasn't going to complain.
///
"Fuck," Cursing under his breath, Taemin pushes himself up into a sitting position.
His head is spinning and the the world around him is spinning, even with his solid bed beneath him, and he needs to get away right now. Wants to stand and rush off to somewhere safe and secluded.
Somewhere that isn't going to expose him to the kind of invasive questions he doesn't want to answer and the kind of pitying looks he hates to be subjected to.
Taemin thinks that at this point, it's much too late for him to escape, though. He tries sucking in a few deep breaths, but his chest is weighed down by an invisible force, every inhale becoming more difficult than the last.
"What's wrong?" He faintly registers Kibum asking from the other side of the room, but he could as well be imagining things. Because the last time he checked, Kibum had been fast asleep. So he doesn't bother responding - isn't in the state of mind to catch the rustling of Kibum's comforter or the call of "Taem?" his roomate is directing his way - his focus instead turned towards calming his racing heart, only to have it all become worse by the second.
"Are you all right?" Taemin flinches when the light flickers on, Kibum's concerned face suddenly way too close for his liking.
"Hyung?" He half chokes out, his hands trembling from the rapidly mounting anxiety, and the unexpected proximity of his older roomate isn't doing much to help.
"What's going on?" Kibum repeats a variation of his previous question, hoping that phrasing it differently might increase his chance of receiving an answer, maybe. Taemin knows he will have to disappoint, though. He can barely breathe right now, so stringing together an actual, sensible sentence isn't a possibility.
It had been going on for multiple hours, that he had felt on edge, but he had hoped lying in bed would help. Just like it usually does, the warmth and coziness calming him down every time.
But it's different today. It's very much different, the panic accompanied by flashes of heat and cold, making him sweat and shiver all at once and he's terrified of passing out. Because that's exactly what it feels like. As if he is mere seconds away from having the ground pulled out from underneath him. It's what makes him drop back down into a lying position in the end, his feet propped up because he's pretty sure that's what one is supposed to do to get the blood flowing back into their head.
"Do I have to call an ambulance or something?" Kibum questions almost carefully.
"God no," Taemin retorts, somehow able to make the words sound rebellious, even with his head still spinning and his lungs still constricting in his chest.
"I'll be fine," He assures, but Kibum looks so unconvinced it's kind of amusing.
"I'll be fine," Taemin repeats, "Don't worry."
"But you could…" Trailing off when he realises this is Kibum and Kibum somehow seems to despise any form of physical contact with him, he finds himself hesitating. Finds himself thinking that he can't expect his roomate to be there for him in the same kind of manner his friends would.
"I could?" The older man prompts, appearing to be genuinely worried. And it would have left Taemin to wonder if he had somehow been catapulted into a different universe, to warrant such an unusual reaction from the older man, if he wasn't so preoccupied with his racing heart.
"Uhh yeah, you could…" He has to suck in a sharp breath to get the next few words out, and even then, he isn't sure if they are coming out right - isn't sure if any of what he is saying is intelligible at all. Kibum doesn't look any more puzzled than he did to begin with, however, so Taemin hopes it's okay.
"I know you don't like it if I'm getting too close but I-"
"I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack…" He confesses, his voice quiet and cautious. He hadn't done too well with keeping his anxiety on the low in the few months of rooming with Kibum, but years of experience hiding his distress had helped enough for him to buy a few minutes and make a quick retreat every time. Into the bathroom, usually, because the shower does a well enough job covering up any suspicious sounds.
And sometimes - if it is all only just starting and he has a few more minutes to spare before his body will give up on him - he even makes it all the way down to the third floor of the building where Jonghyun and Jinki's dorm room is located. It's like a safe haven on those kind of days. Because Jinki will make him some tea and Jonghyun will pull him into bed with him and even if calming down still doesn't come easily to Taemin, his friends affection never fails to take the edges off the anxiety.
Right now, that's not an option, though and the realisation only stresses him out more.
"Oh," Kibum breathes, the sound just loud enough to pull Taemin out of his thoughts and alert him of the fact that half of his explanation is still missing.
"And cuddling helps," He adds quickly, hoping that the mention of the word 'cuddling' alone isn't going to scare Kibum away.
"Oh," The older man repeats, in the exact same, vague manner as before, and Taemin thinks that, really, it could be read as just about anything.
"Do you mind…?" Taemin asks, when too much time passes without any further reaction from the older man.
"If you think it's gonna make it better," Kibum speaks up eventually, sounding far from ecstatic, but not entirely put off, either.
And Taemin guesses that's good enough. Because he is feeling terrible and he needs someone to be there, so as long as Kibum won't resort to violence, this will do.
Clumsily reaching for the older man's hand, Taemin gives it a light tug, signalling for him to join him under the weight of his comforter and Kibum is lying next to him seconds after, their shoulders touching as Kibum shifts around in an attempt to get more comfortable.
And it isn't much, but Taemin can instantly feel the change in himself.
His breath is still coming out in gasps, but his heart has slowed down a little and if he doesn't move around too much, his head is no longer spinning either.
Closing his eyes, Taemin focuses on guiding himself back into reality - out of the foggy, jumbled state of mind he has been stuck in for the better part of the night and back into something a little lighter. Something a little less suffocating.
It isn't as easy as he hoped it would be, with Kibum's presence by his side instead of a more familiar one, like Jonghyun's or Jongin's, but he manages, still. And before long, finds himself moments from falling asleep.
"Are you okay now?" Kibum's voice barely reaches him through the blissful drowsiness that's taken over him. He makes out the word 'okay', though, and figures he's feeling calm enough to respond with a soft hum of affirmation.
"Good," Kibum says, and Taemin is completely taken aback when the older man's hand finds its way into his hair, resting there for a bit before his fingers begin to lightly comb through the long strands.
He has never felt as safe with Kibum as he does right then.
And when he wakes up in the morning and Kibum is still there, lying on his side with his hand squished beneath his cheek and his lips slightly parted, he thinks he could really get used to this.
Closing his eyes to the older man's arm draped over him and waking up to the sight of his pretty face. Not just sneak the occasional glance at Kibum's figure from across the room, but curl up in his arms and let the rhythmical sound of his breathing carry him off into sleep.
But that's perhaps a bit much to ask.
Kibum obviously isn't the type for morning cuddles. Or any kind of cuddles at all, for that matter.
And as dejecting of an outlook into the future as it is, it makes him all the more grateful that Kibum is with him right now.
///
There is a loud crash sounding through the silence of their dorm room.
It's followed by a muffled curse and another, slightly softer clatter and Taemin is tempted to jump up and check which of his belongings Kibum had broken to cause such a ruckus, but in the end, he wills himself to stay put.
He doesn't want to end up being in the way, or worse, contribute in any way to the older man's already wound up state. Kibum's train is leaving in three hours, which means he still has plenty of time to get ready and prepared, but he is bustling about with the kind of excitement strong enough for anyone who'd get to witness the scene to assume that he is already running late.
It would be kind of funny, really, if it wasn't for the fact that Taemin is getting anxious just watching his roomate rush from one room to the next. It can't be healthy to be this wound up so early in the morning.
Grabbing his old Gameboy from their coffee table in hopes of finding distraction in his precious team of Pokémon, Taemin quickly finds himself immersed in the game. It's nothing much, but it's easy to get lost in the repetitive motion of selecting an attack to crush his opponent with and press the A button like a madman. As if it's somehow going to help keep his Pokémon's Health Points from dropping more with every hit. (He should have known better than to put his Charizard into his team's first spot going into a cave full of water Pokémon.)
"Hey, aren't you going home for Chuseok?" Taemin all but jumps when Kibum throws the question at him - so sudden and out of the blue, the attention leaves him completely startled. Looking up, he finds his roomate in the armchair a few feet to his left, the pile of present in his lap he had spent hours last night wrapping into gold and red papers.
"Home?" He echoes, as if the word tastes foreign on his tongue.
"Yeah, you know, celebrate with your family? Have lots of awesome food? Answer a bunch of uncomfortable questions about your future and the girlfriend you don't have?" Kibum lists, and Taemin finds himself growing more tense by the second.
Maybe it's stupid, but he never expected Kibum to ask him about this. If he's honest, he thought Jonghyun must have mentioned everything there is to say about his relationship with his parents already. And hearing it from the older man would be enough for Kibum to not come ask Taemin himself about it. From the genuine curiousity on Kibum's face, it becomes painfully obvious to him, however, that he has no idea how estranged his parents and he really are.
It's not as if he is actively hiding the fact that he isn't getting along with his family. But he doesn't talk about it very often, either.
Part of him is so used to living without them around (except for his brother, Taesun, but he's finishing up his studies in China right now, so they barely get to see each other) but part of him simply doesn't wanting to dwell too much on it again. Because that's what always happens whenever the topic comes up. Old insecurities being reignited all over again, as if he hasn't long accepted that it was him who's been wronged. And that he isn't a disappointment to the family and an ungrateful child like his parents made sure to remind him so often.
"I never go home anymore," Taemin shrugs, the same kind of flatness in his voice he has adopted for any talk regarding this particular topic.
Anything to make sure he isn't going to be pitied, or worse, pushed to recount his entire family history.
Something tells him that Kibum wouldn't probe, though. He just isn't the type, especially not when it comes to people like Taemin, whom he obviously doesn't consider himself particularly close to, so in the end, he dares adding a decidedly vague explanation of "I'm not welcome there," and there is something like realisation dawning on Kibum's features.
Giving a slow nod, Kibum moves to stand, gathering all of the different sized presents to bring them back into his room.
Just when he is about to disappear from Taemin's line of vision, though, his steps suddenly come to a halt and his eyes light up - almost as if he's had the idea of the century.
"Why don't you come home with me?" The older man offers, a few moment of contemplation appearing to have been enough for him to decide on the suggestion.
And Taemin is so stunned, he can only stare.
"My mum makes great food," Kibum encourages.
///
Taemin regrets saying yes the moment they step through the entrance of the subway.
He isn't sure what he was thinking, really, because he hates gatherings and socialising with strangers and any other kind of group settings imaginable (unless it's him and his friends, and even then, the magical number is two, or maybe three, but no more than that) and this is no exception.
If anything, it's one of the worst kind of arrangements, spending a family holiday with a family that isn't his own and invading what was probably meant to been an intimate arrangement. One that is hardly supposed to include some kid that has barely any connection to Kibum, except for being the annoying roomate that doesn't leave the house and never stops trying to hug him, maybe.
"That's ours," Kibum's voice pulls him out of his thoughts as one of the grey subways is coming to a stop at their track, the breaks creaking sharply.
There is an uncharacteristic eagerness in Kibum's steps as he gets into the car and approaches a row of free seats, plopping down right by the window with a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Taemin wordlessly tags along, all the way wondering just what he has gotten himself into. And realising with mounting horror that it's way too late to back out now.
///
It turns out that spending the afternoon with Kibum's family isn't half bad.
He isn't sure what he anticipated, but he finds it to be a small circle, with only the older man's aunt and cousin joining Kibum's parents and the two of them. And the conversations between Kibum and his cousin of the same age turn out to be his greatest source of entertainment.
Although even more so, it's a fascinating scene to witness. Because Kibum is talking in a more animated fashion than Taemin has ever seen him, happiness evident in his every word and gesture and he can't tear his eyes away.
So that's what he resigns to - although he feels a lot less disappointed about opting to watch the older man than the word 'resign' would suggest - allowing Kibum's voice to carry him through the evening.
Taemin thinks that he would have been very much content entertaining himself alone in their dorm for the holidays - maybe go bother Jonghyun and Jinki for an evening and use the rest of his time to prepare his team for the final Pokémon league battles - but at least he's been provided with free food.
And Kibum wasn't lying when he told him his mum made great food.
///
It's nearing one in the morning when they finally get ready for bed.
He is sure it must have been weeks since he went to sleep at such an early hour, but being around so many strange faces has left him exhausted enough to not care about messing up his unhealthy sleeping schedule.
He is just glad that he wasn't forced to socialise too much, a few general questions at the beginning of the day having been the only kind of conversation that was expected of him. And he wasn't even looked at strangely for choosing to listen rather than actively participate - something he isn't used to at all.
At least not from people Kibum's (and his own) parents age.
There is still his mum's voice ringing on his ears whenever he finds himself staying quiet for too long, scolding him for his apparent disinterest and lack of respect for others with sharp glares and an even sharper tongue.
But Kibum's family didn't seem to mind.
Splashing his face with cold water, he washes off the last bit of tooth paste foam still stuck on his lips before drying himself of with the front of his shirt.
"We've got towels, you know," Kibum pipes up, and his tone is bored, but Taemin has been at the receiving end of his roomates attitude often enough to detect the hint of amusement hidden in the subtle curve of his lips.
Taemin offers a small shrug in response before he trudges out into the hallway and back through the doorway leading to Kibum's room, uncaring about the large wet spot now extending over the grey fabric of his shirt.
All he wants right now is to just cuddle up next to Kibum and sleep.
It takes another five minutes until Kibum slips into his room, the tips of his hair wet with water and his skin clear of any traces of make up. Kibum always insists that he can't show his face to the world without adding some concealer at the very least, but Taemin begs to differ.
Although he doubts Kibum would be happy to hear that it make no difference in Taemin's eyes, even if he didn't save the addition of 'You're gorgeous either way.'
Scooting closer to the wall, Taemin makes room for Kibum to join him, his eyes already starting to droop with the prospect of rest so near. It takes no more than a simple "So, good night, I guess," from Kibum for him to snap back into alertness, however.
"Where are you going?" Kibum is already halfway out the door when he seems to realise that he is still missing his pajamas, clad instead in the outfit of the day that's casual, but perhaps a bit too stiff to sleep in.
And Taemin watches in a mix of confusion and bewilderment, how the older man starts rummaging through his duffle bag, the old sweatshirt that's coming to light followed by a sleep mask and a phone charger.
"The living room," Kibum replies, a frown on his face as he is struggling to free his pajama pants from the depths of his bag.
"What? Why?" Taemin asks, unable to keep his disappointment from sneaking into his voice. The day had been going so well and Kibum hadn't glared at him once and Taemin doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what the hell he is doing wrong.
"Because," Kibum states simply, careful not to meet the younger man's eyes, and Taemin thinks that this is literally the absolute most infuriating response Kibum could have chosen to offer him. But he isn't one to get angry. His strategy is contradicting, and insisting on arguing until Kibum will be so annoyed, he's going to give in just to shut him up.
"Come on, we shared a bed before, it's not that big of a deal," Taemin complains, not understanding why Kibum is being so weird about this. But the older man doesn't let Taemin's words faze him.
"I'll take the couch," He announces, avoiding to respond to Taemin's questions in such an obvious manner, it's leaving the younger man's heart to drop straight to the ground.
He knows he should leave it. Knows that being too straightforward, he might risk ruining what had been an enjoyable day so far. But something tells him that he is going to regret it later if he won't speak up now. Even if Kibum will probably never look at him again after this.
"Do you hate me or something?" He blurts out the one question that's been on his mind for weeks now. And it doesn't make sense. Taemin knows it doesn't make sense, because Kibum was the one to invite him. He was the one to offer for him to spend the holidays with his family.
But sometimes, Taemin can't help thinking that Kibum must really dislike him.
It seems like the only sensible explanation to the way he is behaving around him.
"I don't," Kibum responds, following up with the same explanation of "I just like my personal space," he has given Taemin so many times before. And it frustrates him, because he wishes he would be used to his roomate pushing him away by now.
But even more so, he wishes he would be able to tell whenever Kibum was feeling unenthusiastic about physical contact, because he wouldn't get too close to begin with, then. Or at least, he likes to believe he wouldn't.
"Hyung," He calls out and there is tension shooting into the older man's shoulders when Taemin pushes himself up into a sitting position, never taking his gaze off him.
Peculiarly enough, Kibum stays rooted to the ground, even when Taemin slips out his bed to step closer, though. And when the younger man lifts his arms a little, he makes no move to stop him either, even though he must anticipate what is coming.
So although Taemin knows that it's probably a terrible idea and he shouldn't test his luck any further than he already has, he bridges the last bit of distance between them anyway.
Pulls Kibum into a hug and squeezes him tight, wondering all the while whether he is going to get punched in the face after this. To his surprise, Kibum doesn't try to get away, though, or fight against the hold his younger roommate has on him, and it makes a surge of courage run through Taemin, to be met with such a decidedly tame reaction.
He would have been a lot less taken aback about earning himself a fist smacked into his jaw, for sure.
Letting out a long sigh, Kibum sinks further into the embrace and Taemin can't believe his luck. Because Kibum is still tense and visibly uncomfortable, but things could have gone a whole lot worse.
"Seriously," Kibum mumbles, a few seconds of silence passing between them before he adds "Why do you never fucking ask?" and the harsh choice of words would have made Taemin recoil, if it didn't sound so quiet and resigned. A mere whisper into his ear rather than an angry shout cutting through the silence.
And Taemin can't help but falter for a moment as he recalls a conversation they had a few weeks ago - something about not being 'the kind of asshole that throws himself at people without asking' (Kibum's words, not his) - and it begins to sink in just how similar Kibum's choice of words had been back then.
And how often Jonghyun had tried to tell him the exact same thing in the past few weeks. (Not that Taemin would ever openly acknowledge that.)
He didn't realise back then, but now, he feels like he did miss the whole set of implications behind that statement.
"Is that what bothers you so much?" Taemin pulls up one of his eyebrows, putting two and two together and concluding that there must have been some greater meaning behind what he thought to have been nothing more than the older man's spiky walls of defense.
"That I don't ask?"
"Of course it is, god, you're such a fucking dense-" Narrowing his eyes, Kibum parts his lips, probably ready to throw a litany of colourful insults at the younger man, but Taemin feels so unnecessarily giddy at the discovery that he never lets him finish.
"So does that mean that if I'll start asking, we'll get to hug lots from now on?" He wonders, his forehead touching the older man's as he leans in a little, and the question is teasing, but hopeful all the same.
"I'm not gonna answer that," Kibum rolls his eyes, trying to wiggle out of Taemin's hold to no avail.
"You're supposed to ask because you're truly caring about my consent, not just because you're hoping that it's gonna get you whatever you want," The older man adds, not able to resist voicing his annoyance, apparently.
And Taemin hears him loud and clear, but he thinks it's much too entertaining to tease the older man.
"Wait!" Taemin pipes up excitedly, "Does that mean that if I'll start asking, we'll get to kiss lots from now on, too?"
"You wish," Kibum drawls.
"I do, actually," Taemin challenges, but all it earns him is a pillow in the face and an angry grumble of 'I'm sleeping on the fucking couch.'
///
It takes another two weeks, but somehow (thanks to his irresistible charms, probably) he does receive his kiss in the end.
They are sitting next to each other on the couch in their apartment as the credits to one of Kibum's favourite Ghibli movies start rolling and Taemin has been feeling excited the entire way through, because this is their first ever date.
Or at least, Kibum hadn't said otherwise when Taemin brought it up earlier.
It isn't particularly different from any other time they hung out together, because Taemin has always preferred not to leave the house and Kibum had been so annoyed at him for making him spend what's supposed to be the last warm day of the year at home, that Taemin graciously let him choose a movie to watch.
Truth be told, he didn't expect Kibum to go for something so dark and bittersweet - much different from the Ghibli movies he is used to - but even the heavy atmosphere didn't serve to put too great of a damper on his mood.
He's too happy that Kibum was okay with spending the evening with him, and that he merely rolled his eyes when Taemin mentioned the date thing. And that he hasn't yet complained about the weight of Taemin's head on top of his shoulder, either.
So naturally, the next step in Taemin's eyes is to grab Kibum's arm and pull him into a deep kiss, romance movie style. Topped off with a surprised gasp and slow melting into it and everything. With all the times he's earned himself a punch or a shove or anything equally violent, he is confident to claim that he's learned his lesson at this point, though.
And discovered a new kind of fondness in himself along the way. Because surprise isn't bad, but he found that the blush that takes over Kibum's face whenever he directs the question of "Are you gonna let me hug you?" or "How about a cuddle?" at him is well worth it.
Almost as much as the often uncharacteristically soft-spoken agreements he receives in response.
So when he turns his head a little to capture Kibum's gaze and whispers a soft "Can I kiss you?" into the space between them, he does so with his chest full of hope.
More hope than he should allow himself to feel, perhaps, considering he is posing the question at Kim Kibum of all people.
Because Kibum hardly looks impressed at first. He is mustering him with the kind of judgement he has been subjected to more often than he can count, and Taemin's optimism is dwindling further with every second ticking by. But in the end, his eyes drop to his lap as he lets out a sigh.
"Knock yourself out," He says, and wow, Taemin thinks. Just wow.
"Can you be any more enthusiastic?" He asks, a teasing edge to his voice. Even like this, Kibum still manages to stay true to his snarky self. It's quite admirable.
"Well, are you gonna do it or no?" Kibum pulls up one of his eyebrows, challenging him.
"Cause we still got three movies to watch." And Taemin guesses he won't be able to draw anything close to actual motivation out of the older man. Not tonight, at least.
But when he leans in, it's Kibum who bridges the last inches between them and that's enough.
It's more than enough.
///
"I told you asking works wonders," Jonghyun reminds him a few days later, when they are having lunch together at their regular diner some blocks from university and Kibum had excused himself early; but not without pressing a kiss to Taemin's cheek.
"I've been telling you this whole time," His expression is smug and Taemin can't stand it.
"Yeah, yeah, you were right," He says, attempting to mask his difficulty admitting defeat by keeping his voice as flat and bored as he can muster. "Happy?"
"Yeah," Jonghyun grins, snatching the last two fries off Taemin's plate, "Very."
Prompt-#: 242
For: Anonymous
Pairing: TaeKey (JongYu, JongHo)
Author: SERiOuSLY@aff
Word count: 10 112 words
Rating: R
Warnings: mentions of anxiety, mentions of sex
Summary: Taemin and Kibum are roomates, but Kibum isn't too impressed by Taemin's touchy-feely tendencies.
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The first time Taemin climbs into his bed at night, it earns him a shove and a sharp hiss of "What the fuck?", the former hard enough to send him tumbling straight to the ground.
There is a bit of fumbling around, a string of more curses, and finally, a gush of light from the small lamp on Kibum's nightstand that is entirely too bright for his eyes.
"What the fuck?" Kibum repeats, his voice sounding only more vigourous. His eyebrows are furrowed when Taemin lifts his head to glance up at him, and even with his sight still blurred with white dots, there is no way for him to miss how livid his roommate looks right now.
"I could ask you the same thing…" He shoots back, because he doesn't think throwing him off the edge of the bed was necessary. Kibum could have nicely asked him to fuck off and go sleep on his own side of the room, instead of being all dramatic (and violent) like that.
"This is my bed," Kibum states the obvious, his tone still much too harsh for Taemin's taste. And for a split second he entertains the idea of throwing something equally snappy right back at his roomate. But he is tired and all he wanted was someone to cuddle up to while falling asleep and Kibum doesn't seem like he is going to consider letting him sneak under his comforter anytime soon.
Which means it's probably not worth arguing about.
So he replies with a soft mumble of "Yeah, whatever," lifting himself off the floor to retreat into his own bed, "I got it."
He knew he should have moved to Jonghyun's and Jinki's room for the night. They definitely wouldn't have thrown him out.
It's only a week later, though, that it happens again.
Although Kibum is lounging on their couch this time, not in his bed, and it isn't particularly late, either. Taemin can't say for sure, because he just woke up from a nap and didn't bother checking how much time had passed, but the sun is still up, so it can't be too late.
The TV is running - a commercial break, from what he can tell - and Kibum is scrolling through Instagram, the expression on his face not quite bored, but not impressed, either.
When Taemin plops down next to him, that changes in an instant, though. It would be kind of amusing if it wasn't such an apparent foreboding to the sharp glares and even sharper tongue Taemin knows he will be subjected to in no time.
"What are you doing?" Kibum asks as if on cue, eyeing him with suspicion. And way too much of it, too. As if he is expecting the younger man to pounce him right then and there.
"Nothing," Taemin shrugs, his messy ponytail bobbing along. Granted, invading far too much of Kibum's space is what he had been doing last time (and maybe a couple of times before, too). But Kibum isn't Jonghyun or Jongin, and it's obvious that he feels very opposed to anything that with his close friends, Taemin would consider pre-first base at most. So if there is anything he learned from all that, it's that he needs to be more cautious.
Needs to avoid being as impulsive and straightforward as he would usually behave.
It should be fine to shift a bit closer to Kibum, though. And drape his arm over the headrest behind them, instead of leaving his hands awkwardly clasped in his lap.
At least that's what he wants to believe, until he does exactly that and it leaves him to watch Kibum's expression fall in the mere blink of an eye as the older man tenses up all over again.
"Watching TV alone is boring, isn't it?" Taemin says - a pathetic and futile attempt at guiding Kibum's attention away from their close proximity.
A few silent seconds tick by before the warmth next to him is gone and Kibum is striding into the direction of his room, his steps so quick, Taemin can barely keep up with what is happening.
"I like my personal space, thank you very much," Kibum drawls, annoyance clear in his voice. And he's gone just like that, the door of their bedroom falling shut with a loud bang.
"Whatever," Taemin mumbles under his breath, but he can't help the disappointment from spreading through his chest.
Slamming the door really wasn't necessary. And neither was looking at him like he was the most disdainful creature walking on the earth's surface.
Kibum's reaction could have been far worse, though.
At least he didn't get shoved this time. That has to mean something.
Living with Kibum isn't all bad.
He doesn't leave his trash lying all around, doesn't forget to refill the toilet paper after using up the last of it and if he ever brings anyone home at all, he does it at a decent time. With lots of opportunities for Taemin to escape in case things get too loud and heated, instead of fucking out on the couch at three-thirty in the morning without even thinking about keeping it down.
So Taemin is grateful for that, really.
He isn't a bad person and most of his friends would kill for a roomate that doesn't keep them up half of the night and refuses to do any more work than the inanimate objects discarded behind the doors of their cabinets.
But it could be better.
It could be a whole lot better.
Because they have been rooming together for almost three months now, and Kibum does speak to him and does acknowledge his presence, but it's always a bit insincere and dismissive, despite being far from unfamiliar with each other at this point. Or at least, insincere and dismissive are the most fitting words Taemin can think of.
As if he is posing some kind of a nuisance and Kibum is just so able to muster the patience to humour him. Which wouldn't be too weird if he was Jonghyun who belts out songs all day every day. Or the older man's boyfriend Jinki, who loves to turn his video games up to the highest volume. Or Minho, who's been having a mostly ambiguous thing going with Jonghyun ("He's totally going to fall for me, you'll see," is Jonghyun's usually comment on the topic - accompanied by the most confident smile - and Taemin has often wished for himself to be half as optimistic as his best friend when it comes to his crushes) and who apparently snores really loudly at night.
But he doesn't snore and he's way too self-conscious about his voice to let anyone hear him sing, and he's rarely playing video games anymore. So why Kibum is so stand-offish when it comes to him, he doesn't understand.
It's all he ends up thinking about that day.
All that is on his mind when he sits on the lawn outside their university building, trying to cram his head with pages of Japanese vocabulary. And later in the evening, when he is alone because it's a Friday and Kibum left for home some two hours ago and the silence that has spread through their dorm room feels a lot more stifling than it usually does.
But in the end, he is no smarter than he was before.
No smarter, but certainly a lot more dejected.
Because he was convinced Kibum and him would get along fine when they first moved in together, but lately he isn't so sure anymore.
"Hey hyung," Taemin calls out when Kibum emerges from their bedroom for the first time in hours, the cheerfulness in his voice a little exaggerated, but no less genuine.
All it earns him is an eye-roll and the curt announcement of "I'll be back" as Kibum steps out the front door. Heading off to his usual Friday night uni party, Taemin assumes. Because that's the only place Kibum ever goes if he doesn't spend his weekends visiting home or hanging out with one of his many friends. And besides, where else is he supposed to go in a getup like that anyway?
Taemin thinks that the presence of those tight, black leather pants is arguable, but then again, it does look pretty damn good on the older man. Even to someone who cares as little about fashion as Taemin does, so he guesses Kibum knows what he's doing.
"He loves me," Taemin shrugs, turning to Jonghyun with a nod that looks just a tad more confident that he actually feels.
"I think you're mistaking hate for love again," Jonghyun teases, having followed the entire scene from the armchair in the corner with his usual, quiet observance.
"If that's what you want to believe," Taemin retorts, not ready to admit defeat, but feeling more uncertain by the second, still.
"He really doesn't seem to like me a lot, though, does he?" He asks, trying his best to keep the pricks of insecurity in his chest from sneaking all the way into his voice.
"Kibummie doesn't like most people," Jonghyun states, brutally honest as always, a small shrug accompanying his words.
"But he likes you," Taemin argues.
Sometimes he isn't sure if it's a good or a bad thing that his best friend and his roomate are childhood friends. They bicker more than they get along, and Taemin can't even begin to count the times Jonghyun has told him that he's 'so through with Kibum.' But it's beyond obvious, how close they actually are. And beyond disheartening, to realise that he might never mean remotely as much to Kibum as Jonghyun does.
Prior to rooming with each other, Taemin only met Kibum twice. Once at Jonghyun's eighteenth birthday party and once at his best friend's high school graduation, because Kibum lived all the way across the city and visited a completely different school than theirs and there was just no reason to see each other.
With Jonghyun, it had been different, since Kibum and the older man went to school together for the better part of their childhood. But Taemin had been nothing more than the friend of a friend and it made no sense for them to meet up if Jonghyun wasn't involved.
Ending up as roomates had been a complete coincidence but Taemin had been optimistic about the whole thing either way. Kibum was one of Jonghyun's closest friends, after all. And Taemin didn't remember him as being rude or mean or anything of the like.
So if anything, he had been excited, almost. Because he viewed it as a great opportunity to get to know Kibum better.
At this point, he thinks that the older man has only become stranger to him, though.
"Maybe that's cause I'm a decent human being and actually listen to him if he tells me to back off?" Jonghyun supplies, a teasing edge to his voice.
"I listen too," Taemin argues, offended at the implication behind the older man's words.
"Uh-huh," Jonghyun hums, the sound dripping with sarcasm.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Taemin demands, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration.
But Jonghyun only grins in response, and Taemin thinks that he doesn't actually want him to elaborate.
"What the fuck are you doing?" The annoyed growl bursts Taemin's bubble of bliss with such merciless intensity, the younger man finds his heart beat halt for a second, the shock crawling all the way into his bones.
"Jesus," He clutches his chest, feeling the slightest bit reassured to find Jonghyun looking just as startled as him, to have their cozy cuddling session disturbed so crudely.
"What does it look like we're doing?" Taemin shoots back at Kibum, throwing a burning glare over his shoulder where the older man is still rooted to the ground - wearing what is an equally fiery expression at most. As if the sight of his friend and his roomate chilling on the couch isn't one of the tamer things he could have ended up witnessing, returning from his trip home a few hours earlier than planned.
Granted, Jonghyun has his head buried in his chest and Taemin had just been in the middle of appreciating his friend's newly dyed, dark brown hair, but at least they are dressed. And at least, they don't have their hands down one another's pants. That should be more than enough.
"You're fucking weird," Kibum shakes his head - in something like disbelief, Taemin assumes - and before Taemin has the chance to defend himself, the older man has stormed off, the door of their bedroom falling shut behind him.
"That wasn't very nice," Jonghyun pouts, his best friend's cuteness momentarily distracting Taemin from the fact that yes, he very much agrees. At least up to the point where he adds, "I think rooming with you isn't good for Kibummie." Because he is sure he must have not heard right there.
"Excuse me?" Pulling up his eyebrows, Taemin stares at the older man in the most accusing manner he can muster, but Jonghyun doesn't falter for even just a second.
"Rooming with you isn't good for him," His friend repeats, all the while toying with the stray strands of hair that have escaped Taemin's ponytail.
"He's so mean these days," Jonghyun sighs, as if it's a true shame, to have lost Kibum to such outrageous behaviour, when really, Taemin doesn't remember him ever being anything but sharp. All nicks and edges and blunt words.
But Jonghyun knows a different Kibum, Taemin realises even before his best friend concludes "It's so not like him."
And Taemin can't help but wonder if he, too, would know a different, less dismissive Kibum by now, if he didn't transform from being a stranger to becoming such a constant in the older man's life completely by chance. And if he wasn't quite so cuddly, too.
"He isn't always mean," Taemin responds, "just like…every other day, I guess."
He isn't sure why he is defending Kibum, but he knows that thinking back, the older man hasn't been acting quite as terrible as Jonghyun is making it sounds.
"And he even makes me food sometimes," There have been a few occasions where Kibum would cook dinner for the both of them and pop it into the microwave time and time again, insisting on making him eat until Taemin would have at least a few bites. Or when he would find Taemin huddled up alone in his room every once in a while - Jongin at work and Jinki and Jonghyun visiting their parents - and offer for him to tag along to wherever he was heading to, because according to him 'spending a Friday night alone at home isn't healthy.'
Taemin would argue that it is very healthy, and definitely much better than sitting with a terrifyingly large group of ten plus people in some crowded bar, but that isn't the point right now. The point is that he appreciated the sentiment, and that none of these instances qualify as Kibum being mean in his eyes.
"That's the shortcut to your heart isn't it?" Jonghyun chuckles, a teasing expression gracing his features.
"I can't blame you, though. Kibummie's cooking is pretty amazing."
Sticking out his tongue at his friend, Taemin's mind starts drifting back to an earlier point in their conversation, realisation taking over as he exclaims, "I'd say that this is your fault, if anything, you know."
And Taemin grins when Jonghyun's face scrunches up in confusion, amusement bubbling up in his chest at his own words.
"How is it my fault now?" Jonghyun demands to know, sitting up to look at him only for Taemin to tug him back down with a soft mumble of "Don't leave, I'm not finished yet."
"You made me like this," Taemin accuses, thinking back to a time when he wasn't even half as affectionate with his friends, and how Jonghyun came along and flipped his whole world upside down.
He still remembers, how strange he thought it was, when they hung out together one cold weekend in high school - something like boredom having sneaked into the air in Jonghyun's room after they finished playing whatever video game they had been obsessed with at the time - and Jonghyun randomly threw the question 'Wanna cuddle?' at him.
But it's not like Taemin has ever complained. Not even after getting over his initial surprise that first time. How could he, when it was what made him realised how starved for affection he has always been. Craving to the point of fearing that it was no longer healthy. And how amazing it had been to learn that it was okay.
That there isn't and has never been anything wrong with him for wanting to be comforted with a hug and seek out cuddles whenever his anxiety becomes too overwhelming to bear. Although he doesn't feel quite as confident about any of it as soon as Kibum is involved.
His roomates narrowed eyes and snappy comments make it very hard to be anything but intimidated. And all because Jonghyun took away whatever inhibitions he had back in high school.
"You made me like this and now Kibum-hyung hates me…" Taemin concludes after a brief moment of silence, fully aware that he's being much more dramatic than necessary. But how could he not be, when just a minute ago, Kibum looked like he was ready to murder them both and bury their mangled bodies in some secluded forest to never be found.
"I can't believe you're trying to blame me for this," Jonghyun laments, shattering the gruesome image that is beginning to take shape in Taemin's mind. Maybe he should avoid horror movies for a while.
"Well, I can't believe you're blaming me for his attitude," Taemin retorts. But he can practically watch Jonghyun's attention drift off when one of his hands finds its way back into his best friend's hair.
It's pretty damn adorable. And quite convenient, too, that it only takes that much to distract his best friend. They both have a horrible attention span for sure.
"I don't see why being cuddly is a bad thing," Jonghyun mumbles, a far away look in his eyes.
He can't be as absent as he lets on, though. Taemin has witnessed a completely spaced out Jonghyun often enough to know that the older man isn't there yet.
So it comes as no surprise when Jonghyun oh-so thoughtfully adds "As long as you ask first, of course," and then, "I think that's the real issue here, you know, that you don't ask."
Taemin can't say that that's what he wants to hear right now, though. Even if Jonghyun might be just a tiny bit right.
"Yeah, whatever," Taemin insists, "He totally hates me."
All Jonghyun does is sigh in response. But he tugs Taemin's hand in to stroke his hair some more, still.
Sundays suck. They are so close to Mondays, it feels like his free time is slipping straight from his grip at a much too rapid pace. And yet they are too lazy to do much of anything, and Taemin thinks it's the absolute worst combination imaginable.
Because the sense of having wasted an entire day is always unavoidable like this. Unless one of his friends decides to drag him out his door and into the world, but he surely isn't going to let them without putting up a fight. Jongin tried earlier, actually, and Taemin even contemplated going along at the promise of free lunch and leftover cheesecake from his friend's job at a pastry shop in the city center. But then it started raining - an insane downpour that came with pitch black clouds and strong wind - and every thought of leaving his cozy dorm room was thrown out the window just like that. Which led him to use his free afternoon alternating between napping and playing his way through one of his favourite Pokémon games, instead.
No cheesecake, but probably much more fun than wet socks (he should have bought new sneakers weeks ago) and gross crowds of gross people everywhere.
He is just about to lead his character out into the wild after a brief visit to the Pokémon center - thinking that if his memory isn't betraying him, he should be able to find a Venonat somewhere around here, which would be the perfect addition to his adorable team - when his stomach gives a loud rumble, reminding him of the fact that he hasn't had as much as a single bite in at least twelve hours.
Peeling himself out of his bed with reluctance in his every move, Taemin ventures out into the living room to search their small refrigerator for something edible that isn't instant ramyeon or potato chips.
He almost can't believe his luck when he finds a box of Kimbap, hidden away behind bottles of soju and a half-empty glass of Kimchi Kibum brought with him the last time he returned from visiting his parents.
"I'm gonna have the Kimbap," He announces, giving Kibum the opportunity to intervene, because last time he didn't and the complaining that followed isn't something he is keen on experiencing again.
"Leave one for me," The older man requests.
"Just one?" Taemin finds Kibum lounging on the couch when he turns in his spot and finally lets his gaze wanders around the room, now that his quest of finding himself a proper meal has been successful.
"Yeah," Kibum says, not bothering to look up from the manga clutched in his hands. The rare scene is enough to pique Taemin's curiousity, knowing that as much as Kibum loves books and manga, he's much too studious to fill his free time with anything other than textbooks and heaps of notes (unless it's to go party for the night and unwind dancing the hours away).
"Is that the manga you told me about?" Taemin asks, spotting the pink drawings on the cover from all the way across the living room. Kibum hums an affirmation.
"It looks like some cheap Yaoi," The younger man observes as he steps closer, his nose wrinkled in distaste because he would have never thought that Kibum would stoop down to such low levels of entertainment. The type that screams fucked up relationship dynamics and cliché all over. Sometimes, the covers do a good enough job concealing the horrendous story that awaits the reader on the pages. And sometimes, it looks so promising that even an experienced reader like himself falls into the trap.
But this one isn't even trying to put on a decent facade.
"Shut up, this manga is a master piece," Kibum argues, looking as if he is ready to defend the work with his life. Which might well be the length the older man would be willing to go to, considering how passionate he can get about the things he enjoys. It's both kind of cute and kind of scary.
"They're gonna fuck, aren't they?" Taemin scans the first few panels, the fine drawing of a not so fine kiss followed by lots of blushing and ending with one of the guys being crowded into the wall. Taemin nods to himself. They are definitely going to fuck.
"Yeah," Kibum responds a little absently, adding "Two rounds, at least," and then, "I don't remember the details, though."
And Taemin thinks this is weird. Not the fact that Kibum can't recall the exact manner in which the fucking will go down, because he couldn't care less about that, but the way in which he speaks with him is truly strange.
Because right now, there is none of the annoyance and dismissal Kibum usually meets him with. Instead it's casual and familiar and everything else Taemin hasn't expected this kind of conversation to be. It makes him sink down on the couch next to the older man without really registering what he is doing until their shoulders are touching and he can feel Kibum tense up as if on cue.
"Don't mind me," Taemin tells him, naively hoping that a small reminder like that will be enough to keep Kibum from getting angry again. To his surprise, all Kibum does is shoot him a glare, however. And as deadly as it is, he is genuinely taken aback when it is neither followed by an elbow stabbed into his side, nor a frustrated huff and the bang of a door slamming shut.
Although he swears he hears the older man mumble something along the lines of 'Calm down, Kibum' under his breath, but he can't be sure.
Basking in his triumph - small as it may be - Taemin feels a smile take over his face as he keeps reading along while Kibum turns the page. The scene is becoming more and more cliché by the second ('Yeah, I'm ready, just shove it in' the smaller man insists, and Taemin thinks that no, he's really not. They didn't get past two fingers and the other dude's dick is monstrous for a full blood Japanese man called Shinji and it's going to hurt like a bitch. But hey, the guys in Yaoi manga aren't exactly known for their phenomenal choices, so Taemin can't say it strikes him as unusual) and Taemin starts wondering once again, why on earth Kibum would enjoy a story like this.
The older man has always been much more keen about the unconventional and sophisticated. His small collection of books holds titles Taemin can't even pronounce and he rolls his eyes time Taemin asks to watch a movie with him, only to present him with a DVD of some 'horrendous American comedy that should have never been shot in the first place.' So how any of this fits into the equation, he doesn't know.
Maybe it's supposed to create a balance of sorts. Ease all the different pains his brain must suffer reading classic literature and English novels with some cute manga dudes having mindless sex.
Before he can venture further down his trail of confused thoughts, however, his line of vision is invaded by an obnoxious shade of pink as Kibum traps the story back between its cover and produces a second manga from a small pile on the coffee table that Taemin is only noticing now.
"How many volumes does this thing have?" He asks in complete disbelief, the same delicate drawings appearing the moment Kibum has flipped the manga open.
"Five," Kibum provides, "and counting."
"Oh my god," Taemin shakes his head. "I didn't know you were a masochist."
He can't believe Kibum would read an entire five volumes of this. As if he didn't already have to put up with enough stereotypical bullshit from everyone and their mother for identifying as anything but straight.
"What can I say?" Kibum responds simply, the tone of his voice sending the clear message of 'Shut the fuck up already'. And Taemin knows better than to piss his roomate off again. He doesn't want to be responsible for any premature deaths by heart attack or anything equally severe, after all, so he turns his attention back to the story and reads through the small number of pages recounting the events of the previous chapter.
It's not like he has anything better to do on a Sunday anyway.
Taemin isn't sure how much time goes by with them sitting on the couch like that, Kibum turning the pages as they go through one chapter of the manga after the other. But they must have spend hours like this, because when Kibum puts the last volume away, it's already dark outside.
Or at least, that's what Taemin believes, until his gaze wanders out the window and he realises that dusk doesn't look quite so threatening.
"Ugh, it's fucking pouring," Kibum is quick to observe, the distaste evident on his face as a sudden gush of rain starts what appears to be the beginning of a stormy night.
"It's Sunday," Taemin shrugs, unfazed.
"Well, yeah, but unlike you, I still have plans," Kibum makes a face, as if the whole world just got a million times darker at the prospect of having to stay at home for the evening.
"I have plans, too," Taemin argues, not even bothering to add 'My bed and I were really looking forward to spending the evening together', because Kibum has that smug kind of look on his face, as if he already knows exactly what Taemin is thinking, anyway.
Before the older man has the opportunity to voice exactly how boring it is to waste away so much time sitting at home, however, his breath is cut off by a roar of thunder.
"Yay, thunderstorm," Taemin says, his eyes lighting up, because the storm this morning had been way too short and this looks a lot like it could turn into a wild night and he likes those. Lying in the dark and listening to heavy raindrops against windows - topped off with the occasional flash of lightning and booming thunder - is one of his favourite ways to fall asleep.
"Yeah, great," Kibum forces out, and Taemin doesn't even try to muffle his laughter when Kibum flinches as yet another rumble sounds through the silence.
"Fuck off," The older man snaps. He still looks shaken, though. Only a little, at first, but increasingly so when the thunders outside become louder by the minute. Taemin would have never expected Kibum to have such an agitated reaction to thunderstorms of all things.
"Ohh, I know," He blurts out, "How about a cuddle?"
"I'm sure cuddles will make the storm less scary," Taemin nods to himself - attempting to hide the fact that on the inside, he is cringing about his own words. He can't believe that this is what things have come down to. This isn't even Jonghyun territory anymore, this is straight up grossness.
But he can always count on Kibum to let him know how pathetic he is being.
"Ohh wow, what kind of teen magazine did you get that from?" Kibum pulls up his eyebrow in mockery, any kind of tension momentarily eased from his shoulders as he stares his roomate down with pure judgement.
"Also, I'm not scared, I just don't like the noise," He is quick to add, and Taemin can't say he is convinced, but he guesses he’s going to let that explanation pass.
And maybe, if he will be extra nice, Kibum is going to rethink his choice.
Adamant to blast even the last flicker of his hope, Kibum doesn't take any pity in him for the whole rest of the evening. Although he does look mildly impressed when Taemin manages to somehow allude to cuddling in five different ways throughout a ten-minute conversation over hot chicken skewers and corn dogs from the 7-Eleven down the road.
And he doesn't go out, either.
Not after the near death experience of racing from the entrance of their apartment building to the convenience store with lightning flashing across the sky at random intervals.
Taemin would argue that with all the high buildings around, the odds of them being struck were quite low, but if it frightened Kibum enough to ditch whatever plans he had and stay home with him instead, he wasn't going to complain.
"Fuck," Cursing under his breath, Taemin pushes himself up into a sitting position.
His head is spinning and the the world around him is spinning, even with his solid bed beneath him, and he needs to get away right now. Wants to stand and rush off to somewhere safe and secluded.
Somewhere that isn't going to expose him to the kind of invasive questions he doesn't want to answer and the kind of pitying looks he hates to be subjected to.
Taemin thinks that at this point, it's much too late for him to escape, though. He tries sucking in a few deep breaths, but his chest is weighed down by an invisible force, every inhale becoming more difficult than the last.
"What's wrong?" He faintly registers Kibum asking from the other side of the room, but he could as well be imagining things. Because the last time he checked, Kibum had been fast asleep. So he doesn't bother responding - isn't in the state of mind to catch the rustling of Kibum's comforter or the call of "Taem?" his roomate is directing his way - his focus instead turned towards calming his racing heart, only to have it all become worse by the second.
"Are you all right?" Taemin flinches when the light flickers on, Kibum's concerned face suddenly way too close for his liking.
"Hyung?" He half chokes out, his hands trembling from the rapidly mounting anxiety, and the unexpected proximity of his older roomate isn't doing much to help.
"What's going on?" Kibum repeats a variation of his previous question, hoping that phrasing it differently might increase his chance of receiving an answer, maybe. Taemin knows he will have to disappoint, though. He can barely breathe right now, so stringing together an actual, sensible sentence isn't a possibility.
It had been going on for multiple hours, that he had felt on edge, but he had hoped lying in bed would help. Just like it usually does, the warmth and coziness calming him down every time.
But it's different today. It's very much different, the panic accompanied by flashes of heat and cold, making him sweat and shiver all at once and he's terrified of passing out. Because that's exactly what it feels like. As if he is mere seconds away from having the ground pulled out from underneath him. It's what makes him drop back down into a lying position in the end, his feet propped up because he's pretty sure that's what one is supposed to do to get the blood flowing back into their head.
"Do I have to call an ambulance or something?" Kibum questions almost carefully.
"God no," Taemin retorts, somehow able to make the words sound rebellious, even with his head still spinning and his lungs still constricting in his chest.
"I'll be fine," He assures, but Kibum looks so unconvinced it's kind of amusing.
"I'll be fine," Taemin repeats, "Don't worry."
"But you could…" Trailing off when he realises this is Kibum and Kibum somehow seems to despise any form of physical contact with him, he finds himself hesitating. Finds himself thinking that he can't expect his roomate to be there for him in the same kind of manner his friends would.
"I could?" The older man prompts, appearing to be genuinely worried. And it would have left Taemin to wonder if he had somehow been catapulted into a different universe, to warrant such an unusual reaction from the older man, if he wasn't so preoccupied with his racing heart.
"Uhh yeah, you could…" He has to suck in a sharp breath to get the next few words out, and even then, he isn't sure if they are coming out right - isn't sure if any of what he is saying is intelligible at all. Kibum doesn't look any more puzzled than he did to begin with, however, so Taemin hopes it's okay.
"I know you don't like it if I'm getting too close but I-"
"I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack…" He confesses, his voice quiet and cautious. He hadn't done too well with keeping his anxiety on the low in the few months of rooming with Kibum, but years of experience hiding his distress had helped enough for him to buy a few minutes and make a quick retreat every time. Into the bathroom, usually, because the shower does a well enough job covering up any suspicious sounds.
And sometimes - if it is all only just starting and he has a few more minutes to spare before his body will give up on him - he even makes it all the way down to the third floor of the building where Jonghyun and Jinki's dorm room is located. It's like a safe haven on those kind of days. Because Jinki will make him some tea and Jonghyun will pull him into bed with him and even if calming down still doesn't come easily to Taemin, his friends affection never fails to take the edges off the anxiety.
Right now, that's not an option, though and the realisation only stresses him out more.
"Oh," Kibum breathes, the sound just loud enough to pull Taemin out of his thoughts and alert him of the fact that half of his explanation is still missing.
"And cuddling helps," He adds quickly, hoping that the mention of the word 'cuddling' alone isn't going to scare Kibum away.
"Oh," The older man repeats, in the exact same, vague manner as before, and Taemin thinks that, really, it could be read as just about anything.
"Do you mind…?" Taemin asks, when too much time passes without any further reaction from the older man.
"If you think it's gonna make it better," Kibum speaks up eventually, sounding far from ecstatic, but not entirely put off, either.
And Taemin guesses that's good enough. Because he is feeling terrible and he needs someone to be there, so as long as Kibum won't resort to violence, this will do.
Clumsily reaching for the older man's hand, Taemin gives it a light tug, signalling for him to join him under the weight of his comforter and Kibum is lying next to him seconds after, their shoulders touching as Kibum shifts around in an attempt to get more comfortable.
And it isn't much, but Taemin can instantly feel the change in himself.
His breath is still coming out in gasps, but his heart has slowed down a little and if he doesn't move around too much, his head is no longer spinning either.
Closing his eyes, Taemin focuses on guiding himself back into reality - out of the foggy, jumbled state of mind he has been stuck in for the better part of the night and back into something a little lighter. Something a little less suffocating.
It isn't as easy as he hoped it would be, with Kibum's presence by his side instead of a more familiar one, like Jonghyun's or Jongin's, but he manages, still. And before long, finds himself moments from falling asleep.
"Are you okay now?" Kibum's voice barely reaches him through the blissful drowsiness that's taken over him. He makes out the word 'okay', though, and figures he's feeling calm enough to respond with a soft hum of affirmation.
"Good," Kibum says, and Taemin is completely taken aback when the older man's hand finds its way into his hair, resting there for a bit before his fingers begin to lightly comb through the long strands.
He has never felt as safe with Kibum as he does right then.
And when he wakes up in the morning and Kibum is still there, lying on his side with his hand squished beneath his cheek and his lips slightly parted, he thinks he could really get used to this.
Closing his eyes to the older man's arm draped over him and waking up to the sight of his pretty face. Not just sneak the occasional glance at Kibum's figure from across the room, but curl up in his arms and let the rhythmical sound of his breathing carry him off into sleep.
But that's perhaps a bit much to ask.
Kibum obviously isn't the type for morning cuddles. Or any kind of cuddles at all, for that matter.
And as dejecting of an outlook into the future as it is, it makes him all the more grateful that Kibum is with him right now.
There is a loud crash sounding through the silence of their dorm room.
It's followed by a muffled curse and another, slightly softer clatter and Taemin is tempted to jump up and check which of his belongings Kibum had broken to cause such a ruckus, but in the end, he wills himself to stay put.
He doesn't want to end up being in the way, or worse, contribute in any way to the older man's already wound up state. Kibum's train is leaving in three hours, which means he still has plenty of time to get ready and prepared, but he is bustling about with the kind of excitement strong enough for anyone who'd get to witness the scene to assume that he is already running late.
It would be kind of funny, really, if it wasn't for the fact that Taemin is getting anxious just watching his roomate rush from one room to the next. It can't be healthy to be this wound up so early in the morning.
Grabbing his old Gameboy from their coffee table in hopes of finding distraction in his precious team of Pokémon, Taemin quickly finds himself immersed in the game. It's nothing much, but it's easy to get lost in the repetitive motion of selecting an attack to crush his opponent with and press the A button like a madman. As if it's somehow going to help keep his Pokémon's Health Points from dropping more with every hit. (He should have known better than to put his Charizard into his team's first spot going into a cave full of water Pokémon.)
"Hey, aren't you going home for Chuseok?" Taemin all but jumps when Kibum throws the question at him - so sudden and out of the blue, the attention leaves him completely startled. Looking up, he finds his roomate in the armchair a few feet to his left, the pile of present in his lap he had spent hours last night wrapping into gold and red papers.
"Home?" He echoes, as if the word tastes foreign on his tongue.
"Yeah, you know, celebrate with your family? Have lots of awesome food? Answer a bunch of uncomfortable questions about your future and the girlfriend you don't have?" Kibum lists, and Taemin finds himself growing more tense by the second.
Maybe it's stupid, but he never expected Kibum to ask him about this. If he's honest, he thought Jonghyun must have mentioned everything there is to say about his relationship with his parents already. And hearing it from the older man would be enough for Kibum to not come ask Taemin himself about it. From the genuine curiousity on Kibum's face, it becomes painfully obvious to him, however, that he has no idea how estranged his parents and he really are.
It's not as if he is actively hiding the fact that he isn't getting along with his family. But he doesn't talk about it very often, either.
Part of him is so used to living without them around (except for his brother, Taesun, but he's finishing up his studies in China right now, so they barely get to see each other) but part of him simply doesn't wanting to dwell too much on it again. Because that's what always happens whenever the topic comes up. Old insecurities being reignited all over again, as if he hasn't long accepted that it was him who's been wronged. And that he isn't a disappointment to the family and an ungrateful child like his parents made sure to remind him so often.
"I never go home anymore," Taemin shrugs, the same kind of flatness in his voice he has adopted for any talk regarding this particular topic.
Anything to make sure he isn't going to be pitied, or worse, pushed to recount his entire family history.
Something tells him that Kibum wouldn't probe, though. He just isn't the type, especially not when it comes to people like Taemin, whom he obviously doesn't consider himself particularly close to, so in the end, he dares adding a decidedly vague explanation of "I'm not welcome there," and there is something like realisation dawning on Kibum's features.
Giving a slow nod, Kibum moves to stand, gathering all of the different sized presents to bring them back into his room.
Just when he is about to disappear from Taemin's line of vision, though, his steps suddenly come to a halt and his eyes light up - almost as if he's had the idea of the century.
"Why don't you come home with me?" The older man offers, a few moment of contemplation appearing to have been enough for him to decide on the suggestion.
And Taemin is so stunned, he can only stare.
"My mum makes great food," Kibum encourages.
Taemin regrets saying yes the moment they step through the entrance of the subway.
He isn't sure what he was thinking, really, because he hates gatherings and socialising with strangers and any other kind of group settings imaginable (unless it's him and his friends, and even then, the magical number is two, or maybe three, but no more than that) and this is no exception.
If anything, it's one of the worst kind of arrangements, spending a family holiday with a family that isn't his own and invading what was probably meant to been an intimate arrangement. One that is hardly supposed to include some kid that has barely any connection to Kibum, except for being the annoying roomate that doesn't leave the house and never stops trying to hug him, maybe.
"That's ours," Kibum's voice pulls him out of his thoughts as one of the grey subways is coming to a stop at their track, the breaks creaking sharply.
There is an uncharacteristic eagerness in Kibum's steps as he gets into the car and approaches a row of free seats, plopping down right by the window with a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Taemin wordlessly tags along, all the way wondering just what he has gotten himself into. And realising with mounting horror that it's way too late to back out now.
It turns out that spending the afternoon with Kibum's family isn't half bad.
He isn't sure what he anticipated, but he finds it to be a small circle, with only the older man's aunt and cousin joining Kibum's parents and the two of them. And the conversations between Kibum and his cousin of the same age turn out to be his greatest source of entertainment.
Although even more so, it's a fascinating scene to witness. Because Kibum is talking in a more animated fashion than Taemin has ever seen him, happiness evident in his every word and gesture and he can't tear his eyes away.
So that's what he resigns to - although he feels a lot less disappointed about opting to watch the older man than the word 'resign' would suggest - allowing Kibum's voice to carry him through the evening.
Taemin thinks that he would have been very much content entertaining himself alone in their dorm for the holidays - maybe go bother Jonghyun and Jinki for an evening and use the rest of his time to prepare his team for the final Pokémon league battles - but at least he's been provided with free food.
And Kibum wasn't lying when he told him his mum made great food.
It's nearing one in the morning when they finally get ready for bed.
He is sure it must have been weeks since he went to sleep at such an early hour, but being around so many strange faces has left him exhausted enough to not care about messing up his unhealthy sleeping schedule.
He is just glad that he wasn't forced to socialise too much, a few general questions at the beginning of the day having been the only kind of conversation that was expected of him. And he wasn't even looked at strangely for choosing to listen rather than actively participate - something he isn't used to at all.
At least not from people Kibum's (and his own) parents age.
There is still his mum's voice ringing on his ears whenever he finds himself staying quiet for too long, scolding him for his apparent disinterest and lack of respect for others with sharp glares and an even sharper tongue.
But Kibum's family didn't seem to mind.
Splashing his face with cold water, he washes off the last bit of tooth paste foam still stuck on his lips before drying himself of with the front of his shirt.
"We've got towels, you know," Kibum pipes up, and his tone is bored, but Taemin has been at the receiving end of his roomates attitude often enough to detect the hint of amusement hidden in the subtle curve of his lips.
Taemin offers a small shrug in response before he trudges out into the hallway and back through the doorway leading to Kibum's room, uncaring about the large wet spot now extending over the grey fabric of his shirt.
All he wants right now is to just cuddle up next to Kibum and sleep.
It takes another five minutes until Kibum slips into his room, the tips of his hair wet with water and his skin clear of any traces of make up. Kibum always insists that he can't show his face to the world without adding some concealer at the very least, but Taemin begs to differ.
Although he doubts Kibum would be happy to hear that it make no difference in Taemin's eyes, even if he didn't save the addition of 'You're gorgeous either way.'
Scooting closer to the wall, Taemin makes room for Kibum to join him, his eyes already starting to droop with the prospect of rest so near. It takes no more than a simple "So, good night, I guess," from Kibum for him to snap back into alertness, however.
"Where are you going?" Kibum is already halfway out the door when he seems to realise that he is still missing his pajamas, clad instead in the outfit of the day that's casual, but perhaps a bit too stiff to sleep in.
And Taemin watches in a mix of confusion and bewilderment, how the older man starts rummaging through his duffle bag, the old sweatshirt that's coming to light followed by a sleep mask and a phone charger.
"The living room," Kibum replies, a frown on his face as he is struggling to free his pajama pants from the depths of his bag.
"What? Why?" Taemin asks, unable to keep his disappointment from sneaking into his voice. The day had been going so well and Kibum hadn't glared at him once and Taemin doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what the hell he is doing wrong.
"Because," Kibum states simply, careful not to meet the younger man's eyes, and Taemin thinks that this is literally the absolute most infuriating response Kibum could have chosen to offer him. But he isn't one to get angry. His strategy is contradicting, and insisting on arguing until Kibum will be so annoyed, he's going to give in just to shut him up.
"Come on, we shared a bed before, it's not that big of a deal," Taemin complains, not understanding why Kibum is being so weird about this. But the older man doesn't let Taemin's words faze him.
"I'll take the couch," He announces, avoiding to respond to Taemin's questions in such an obvious manner, it's leaving the younger man's heart to drop straight to the ground.
He knows he should leave it. Knows that being too straightforward, he might risk ruining what had been an enjoyable day so far. But something tells him that he is going to regret it later if he won't speak up now. Even if Kibum will probably never look at him again after this.
"Do you hate me or something?" He blurts out the one question that's been on his mind for weeks now. And it doesn't make sense. Taemin knows it doesn't make sense, because Kibum was the one to invite him. He was the one to offer for him to spend the holidays with his family.
But sometimes, Taemin can't help thinking that Kibum must really dislike him.
It seems like the only sensible explanation to the way he is behaving around him.
"I don't," Kibum responds, following up with the same explanation of "I just like my personal space," he has given Taemin so many times before. And it frustrates him, because he wishes he would be used to his roomate pushing him away by now.
But even more so, he wishes he would be able to tell whenever Kibum was feeling unenthusiastic about physical contact, because he wouldn't get too close to begin with, then. Or at least, he likes to believe he wouldn't.
"Hyung," He calls out and there is tension shooting into the older man's shoulders when Taemin pushes himself up into a sitting position, never taking his gaze off him.
Peculiarly enough, Kibum stays rooted to the ground, even when Taemin slips out his bed to step closer, though. And when the younger man lifts his arms a little, he makes no move to stop him either, even though he must anticipate what is coming.
So although Taemin knows that it's probably a terrible idea and he shouldn't test his luck any further than he already has, he bridges the last bit of distance between them anyway.
Pulls Kibum into a hug and squeezes him tight, wondering all the while whether he is going to get punched in the face after this. To his surprise, Kibum doesn't try to get away, though, or fight against the hold his younger roommate has on him, and it makes a surge of courage run through Taemin, to be met with such a decidedly tame reaction.
He would have been a lot less taken aback about earning himself a fist smacked into his jaw, for sure.
Letting out a long sigh, Kibum sinks further into the embrace and Taemin can't believe his luck. Because Kibum is still tense and visibly uncomfortable, but things could have gone a whole lot worse.
"Seriously," Kibum mumbles, a few seconds of silence passing between them before he adds "Why do you never fucking ask?" and the harsh choice of words would have made Taemin recoil, if it didn't sound so quiet and resigned. A mere whisper into his ear rather than an angry shout cutting through the silence.
And Taemin can't help but falter for a moment as he recalls a conversation they had a few weeks ago - something about not being 'the kind of asshole that throws himself at people without asking' (Kibum's words, not his) - and it begins to sink in just how similar Kibum's choice of words had been back then.
And how often Jonghyun had tried to tell him the exact same thing in the past few weeks. (Not that Taemin would ever openly acknowledge that.)
He didn't realise back then, but now, he feels like he did miss the whole set of implications behind that statement.
"Is that what bothers you so much?" Taemin pulls up one of his eyebrows, putting two and two together and concluding that there must have been some greater meaning behind what he thought to have been nothing more than the older man's spiky walls of defense.
"That I don't ask?"
"Of course it is, god, you're such a fucking dense-" Narrowing his eyes, Kibum parts his lips, probably ready to throw a litany of colourful insults at the younger man, but Taemin feels so unnecessarily giddy at the discovery that he never lets him finish.
"So does that mean that if I'll start asking, we'll get to hug lots from now on?" He wonders, his forehead touching the older man's as he leans in a little, and the question is teasing, but hopeful all the same.
"I'm not gonna answer that," Kibum rolls his eyes, trying to wiggle out of Taemin's hold to no avail.
"You're supposed to ask because you're truly caring about my consent, not just because you're hoping that it's gonna get you whatever you want," The older man adds, not able to resist voicing his annoyance, apparently.
And Taemin hears him loud and clear, but he thinks it's much too entertaining to tease the older man.
"Wait!" Taemin pipes up excitedly, "Does that mean that if I'll start asking, we'll get to kiss lots from now on, too?"
"You wish," Kibum drawls.
"I do, actually," Taemin challenges, but all it earns him is a pillow in the face and an angry grumble of 'I'm sleeping on the fucking couch.'
It takes another two weeks, but somehow (thanks to his irresistible charms, probably) he does receive his kiss in the end.
They are sitting next to each other on the couch in their apartment as the credits to one of Kibum's favourite Ghibli movies start rolling and Taemin has been feeling excited the entire way through, because this is their first ever date.
Or at least, Kibum hadn't said otherwise when Taemin brought it up earlier.
It isn't particularly different from any other time they hung out together, because Taemin has always preferred not to leave the house and Kibum had been so annoyed at him for making him spend what's supposed to be the last warm day of the year at home, that Taemin graciously let him choose a movie to watch.
Truth be told, he didn't expect Kibum to go for something so dark and bittersweet - much different from the Ghibli movies he is used to - but even the heavy atmosphere didn't serve to put too great of a damper on his mood.
He's too happy that Kibum was okay with spending the evening with him, and that he merely rolled his eyes when Taemin mentioned the date thing. And that he hasn't yet complained about the weight of Taemin's head on top of his shoulder, either.
So naturally, the next step in Taemin's eyes is to grab Kibum's arm and pull him into a deep kiss, romance movie style. Topped off with a surprised gasp and slow melting into it and everything. With all the times he's earned himself a punch or a shove or anything equally violent, he is confident to claim that he's learned his lesson at this point, though.
And discovered a new kind of fondness in himself along the way. Because surprise isn't bad, but he found that the blush that takes over Kibum's face whenever he directs the question of "Are you gonna let me hug you?" or "How about a cuddle?" at him is well worth it.
Almost as much as the often uncharacteristically soft-spoken agreements he receives in response.
So when he turns his head a little to capture Kibum's gaze and whispers a soft "Can I kiss you?" into the space between them, he does so with his chest full of hope.
More hope than he should allow himself to feel, perhaps, considering he is posing the question at Kim Kibum of all people.
Because Kibum hardly looks impressed at first. He is mustering him with the kind of judgement he has been subjected to more often than he can count, and Taemin's optimism is dwindling further with every second ticking by. But in the end, his eyes drop to his lap as he lets out a sigh.
"Knock yourself out," He says, and wow, Taemin thinks. Just wow.
"Can you be any more enthusiastic?" He asks, a teasing edge to his voice. Even like this, Kibum still manages to stay true to his snarky self. It's quite admirable.
"Well, are you gonna do it or no?" Kibum pulls up one of his eyebrows, challenging him.
"Cause we still got three movies to watch." And Taemin guesses he won't be able to draw anything close to actual motivation out of the older man. Not tonight, at least.
But when he leans in, it's Kibum who bridges the last inches between them and that's enough.
It's more than enough.
"I told you asking works wonders," Jonghyun reminds him a few days later, when they are having lunch together at their regular diner some blocks from university and Kibum had excused himself early; but not without pressing a kiss to Taemin's cheek.
"I've been telling you this whole time," His expression is smug and Taemin can't stand it.
"Yeah, yeah, you were right," He says, attempting to mask his difficulty admitting defeat by keeping his voice as flat and bored as he can muster. "Happy?"
"Yeah," Jonghyun grins, snatching the last two fries off Taemin's plate, "Very."
